Category: bipolar disorder

How to respond to a manipulative and difficult teenager

How to respond to a manipulative and difficult teenager

A screaming teenager is a scary thing.

Have hope!

Parents really can learn how to talk to a difficult teenager and reduce fights or frustration, and improve communication.  Below are effective responses to verbal manipulation or accusations from your teen. The right words in the right tone can help you regain your authority and model maturity.

  • WHAT you say and do depends on your unique situation, your teenager, and what the problem is. There may be ‘magic’ words that work for your child but not others.  You’ll want to experiment and modify them over time because your change naturally changes.  It’s up to you to thoughtfully choose which responses below best address your child’s negative behaviors and improve the relationship.
  • HOW you say it may be as important as what you say, because controlling your voice and attitude is a skill you need to be successful. Pulling this off means getting an iron grip on your own feelings and behavior.

1. Identify what goes wrong

Difficult teenagers will sabotage a dialogue for many different reasons.

As an adult, you know about managing emotions, but your teenager doesn’t have a clue and is too young to articulate what he/she really means or needs anyway–and they know it.  Talking with you makes them anxious and insecure, and they may resent your authority.

These are typical argument techniques teens use.  Learn to spot them the moment they come up and plan ahead how you’ll respond.

  • Make excuses – It’s not my fault and I shouldn’t get in trouble.
  • Lie – keep secrets, fake an attitude to avoid the conversation or hide something
  • Exaggerate – revise history or express extreme insult or trauma over minor things
  • “Catastrophize” – assume the worst and that it’s going to be forever
  • Entitlement – I’m unique, I’m superior, what you say doesn’t apply to me, I get things my way
  • Hostility – insults and verbal abuse
  • Overconfidence – I’m exceptional, I already know, you don’t know what you’re talking about
  • Self-pity – I’m broken and no one cares
  • Minimize – make light of others’ needs and feelings, deny their actions have consequences
  • Vague – Guess what I’m thinking/feeling. If you’re wrong it means you (don’t love me, don’t care, are stupid).
  • Silent treatment – I plan to make you crazy by ignoring you –or- I can’t handle this and want to disappear.
  • Keep score – I win and it means I get my way (and you’re stupid).
  • Righteousness – I’m an adult and have rights and can make my own decisions.
  • Pet me – Praise me, flatter me, agree with me or I’ll make you regret it
  • Harp – repeatedly bring up a sensitive issue to get you upset, whine about things long resolved

Don’t waste precious energy fretting about your difficult teenager’s immaturity.  Work with who they are now.

 

2. Prepare yourself emotionally and learn techniques used by therapists

Be more of a witness than a participant

To talk to a difficult teenager, mentally take off your parent hat and become a neutral observer without emotions or bias from bad memories.  This is absolutely critical because you must be able to remove any negative tone in your voice.  Your child reacts to tone of voice more than what is said.  Your feelings are certainly important, but it’s better to be very cautious about expressing them.

Parent can learn therapy techniques when they talk with their teenager.

  • ‘Channel’ your inner therapist like an actor who gets into character. Faking it works, and may even help you be more effective. [check out YouTube videos].
  • Practice quieting your thoughts, and beliefs, and feelings.
  • Remind yourself you are a good, competent parent; trust yourself and your good intent.
  • See strengths, pay attention to what’s great about your child
  • Avoid justifying or explaining yourself. Your teenager can pick up on something you say and use it against you.

In these examples, the parent doesn’t react to the emotions they feel or try to justify themselves.

Reframe – Present a different point of view of the facts, or reveal details that show the ‘facts’ aren’t what they seem.

Teen:  “If I don’t do well in this class, you’re going to punish me by sending me to stupid summer school because that’s all you care about are grades.”

Parent:  “Last year you had the same concerns at the end of the term, and then I saw you focus and pass the class with a really high grade and be really proud of yourself.  I think you will do this again.”

Paraphrase – Say the same thing you heard using different words.  This helps your child know if they said what they really meant, and gives them the option to clarify and provide details.

Teen: “You stupid effing b1tch, you never care what I think and keep trying to control me and I hate you!”

Parent:  “It sounds like you’re telling me you just want to make more of your own decisions. Is that true?”

Use “I” Statements – Always void saying “you” because your child can interpret it as blame or insult regardless of your intent.  Simply owning your feelings or stating your observations doesn’t impose your view and is hard to argue with.

Teen:  “You said you would help me but all you want to do is see me fail. You could care less about me and even my friends think you’re a bad parent.”

Parent:  “I definitely care; I explained the best I could why I can’t afford the time/money right now.  I am frustrated by this situation too.”

Validate feelings and explore why

Teen:  “You didn’t listen to me when I told you my teacher was picking on me.”

Parent:  “Maybe I misunderstood or didn’t think he was treating you differently than your classmates.  I’m listening now; can you give me more details?”

Check the facts

Teen:  “My friends hate me and I don’t care about them anymore.”

Parent:  “What happened?”

Teen:  “They all went to a movie and I wasn’t invited, and told everyone else what a great time they had.”

Parent:  “Wasn’t that the day you lost your phone charger?  Could they have tried to contact you but your phone was dead and you never got the message?”

Reflect on the bigger picture

Teen:  “School sucks.  It’s never helped me and everyone there is an a55hole and I already know what I need to know anyway.  Don’t try to make me go.”

You:  “OK, school isn’t working for you. Do you have plans if you drop out? a job or a class for a new skill or occupation?  You are growing up and will be on your own someday, and you will want your own money.”

Deescalate a heated moment without placing blame or accepting blame. You might apologize or change the subject or end the communication.

Teen:  “Stop f**king treating me like you’re my therapist!”

Parent:  “I’m sorry that it feels that way.  I’m not your therapist but a parent trying to communicate with their son/daughter the best they can.   I need to check my messages so we’ll talk about this later.  Make yourself some tea and we’ll get back to this later.

Other ways to deescalate:

Take a time out so you and your difficult teenager can calm down and gather your thoughts.

Converse via text, even in the same house, even in the same room.  No talking, only texting.  This works surprisingly well.

Talk to your teenager through a door, you do not need to look at each other, and perhaps your teen feels safer in another room.

 

3. Improving is more realistic than fixing

It helps to lower your expectations of your teenager.

The goal is not to stop your difficult teenager’s challenging behaviors but teach them how to be appropriate with others.  How you talk to your difficult teenager only needs to be healthy, which is not necessarily comfortable.

A healthy conversation means both parties:

Feel heard and understood even if there’s disagreement

Feel safe because they expect no emotional assaults

Feel enough trust and to talk again later

 

4.  Pay attention to what improves or wrecks a conversation.

Visualize yourself as a wild animal trainer trying to teach an uncooperative creature to perform a task. You try various techniques and expect the animal to resist.  You keep trying until the resistance diminishes, and then you start supporting with positive feedback.  Some of the techniques below will work; some will fail spectacularly.  When you find those that work, mix them up or your difficult teenager will catch on and try other tactics.

Let your difficult teenager rant for a while.  Teens often vomit out emotions regardless of how they sound or if they make sense and parents don’t need to respond.

Ask why and how. Explore the underlying cause by using simple questions that can’t be answered with Yes or No to help them identify and articulate what they mean and need.

Redirect.  Change the subject, or have a pre-planned list of actions for ending a tough dialogue.

  • DEFLECT for manipulation and button-pushing:

“Consciously ignore” (pay attention but mentally or physically withdraw)  – Pretend you didn’t notice when he/she resorted to blaming, demanding etc.

Change the subject – ask what they want from the grocery store; ask if they remember an upcoming event

Escape – excuse yourself for the bathroom.  Say you forgot to call someone back who left an important voicemail.

  • SUPPORT for anxiety, whining, and obsessive thoughts:

“We’ll get through this together;” “I am looking after you.”

Confidently reassure, and point out what’s going well.

Deny false charges against you without explaining, just state the fact.  “I did not say that;” “I am not accusing you…”  Period.

Apologize immediately when guilty.  “You’re right.  That was not the right thing to say and I apologize,” nothing more.  You may be guilt-tripped into apologizing multiple times, so say something like: “I apologized and it was the right thing to do.  I haven’t done it again and won’t apologize again.”

Set simple boundaries like you might for a fussy young child.  “You can get angry and run to your room, but you can’t slam the door.”  Remember that anger is normal, but harm is not acceptable.  Screaming is normal, but ugly insulting words are not acceptable.  Depression and sadness is normal, but isolating is risky–they need to be in the presence of others.

No offering reasons or lessons.  Conflict is not a teachable moment.  Your teen absolutely cannot reason when they’re flooded with emotion.  Trying to teach something can seem patronizing and disinterested in their concerns.

Appeal to a higher self:  During a fight or argument, listen carefully for something your child says (without prompting) that reflects good values and character, even the tiniest teensiest thing.  Incorporate their stated good values in all your communications.

 

5.  Help your difficult teenager think about their future

Help your teenager think about their future.

You may have tried to motivate your teenager to think about their future, but ultimately your teenager takes responsibility for the details.  T

his helps:  Provide a list of open-ended questions, worksheet-style, which they answer for themselves.  Examples:

  • What do I care most about?
  • How can I feel better when I’m upset?
  • How can I cope with boredom?
  • What am I good at?
  • What are three things I’m most thankful for, why?
  • Who do I trust and why do I trust them?
  • Where do I see myself in 5 years? How will I get there?

Ideally they share their answers with you but this should be optional.  If you do see them, absolutely avoid guiding or correcting answers even if you think they’re wrong!  The point is to start them pondering and exploring.  If they write “kill myself” or “run away” or “use drugs” —they already know what you think—but they may be reaching out for help with statements like these.  You can ask what they really mean or offer are other options.  For threats of self-harm, see “Use the “S” word:  talk openly with your child about suicide.”

PATIENT PERSISTENCE.  Results aren’t quick so pace yourself for a marathon

Teens are innocent and pure in a way adults are not.  They have standards and values though it rarely seems that way.  Look for evidence of decency and caring of others or self.   Show appreciation for the little things they do even if your praise creates a backlash.  They WILL remember what you said someday.

Parents should know that even a difficult teenager will love them.
Remember this…
Teenagers can make a parent feel like they've been stabbed in the heart, but it's only words..
…when they do this.

 

Good luck.

 


You can find additional practical and common sense approaches to parenting here:  Solid Wisdom For Parents Of Troubled Children And Teens

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My site is dedicated to helping parents of troubled children, teens, and young adults, and information is drawn from up-to-date best practices and research.  Use the search box to find information about managing challenging behaviors and self-care for parents. You really can turn your family’s lives around and help you child reach a safe, functioning adulthood.  This happens all the time.

Mental Health Medications for Children ages 3 – 12

Mental Health Medications for Children ages 3 – 12

This is an excerpt from an article contributed by Drugwatch, an organization devoted to informing the public about the uses and risks of drugs and medications, and the use of medical devices.

ANXIETY DISORDERS

Anxiety disorders are a group of mental disorders branded by feelings of anxiety and fear. Children may have more than one anxiety disorder. More than 2 million children were on anti-anxiety medications in 2013. The age group with the largest number of medicated children was ages 6 to 12 years.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)

It’s perfectly normal for your child to stress about grades or an upcoming sporting event. However, if your child worries excessively or if anxiety and fear affect your child’s ability to perform daily activities, your child may be suffering from GAD. Doctors may prescribe Cymbalta, a serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor (SNRI) as treatment. In 2014, the FDA approved Cymbalta for the treatment of generalized anxiety disorder in children ages 7 to 17. SNRI medications carry serious risks, including birth defects, skin disease, suicidal thoughts and liver toxicity. The FDA also warns of Cymbalta discontinuation syndrome, which is when a person experiences withdrawal side effects after stopping Cymbalta. Effexor, another SNRI, has not been approved by the FDA for use in children, but some doctors prescribe it for older teens as an off-label treatment for depression and anxiety.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Prozac, Zoloft and Luvox are among the drugs used to treat OCD in children.

Children with OCD experience unwanted and intrusive thoughts — or obsessions. They feel compelled to repeat rituals and routines to try to lessen their anxiety. OCD can affect children as young as 2 or 3, though most children with OCD are diagnosed around age 10. The FDA has approved several drugs to help control the symptoms of OCD in children, including Prozac, Zoloft and Luvox.

The FDA has approved haloperidol, pimozide and aripiprazole to treat tics.

Tourette Syndrome

Children with Tourette syndrome may make unusual movements or sounds known as tics. The FDA has approved haloperidol, pimozide and aripiprazole to treat tics.  All three medications have the potential to cause unwanted side effects, so most doctors prescribe the blood pressure medications guanfacine or clonidine. This is known as “off-label” use because the FDA has not approved either drug for treatment of tics.

MOOD DISORDERS

Every child can feel sad or depressed at times, but mood disorders are more extreme and harder to manage than typical sadness. Doctors may prescribe antidepressants or antipsychotics to treat mood disorders in children. SSRIs are popular antidepressants, despite an increased risk of suicidal thoughts in children. Prozac is the only SSRI approved for use in children older than 8 years of age. Antipsychotics prescribed to children include Abilify (aripiprazole), Thorazine (chlorpromazine), Risperdal (risperidone) and Invega (paliperidone).

These new kinds of drugs called atypical antipsychotics can have serious side effects in children like drastic weight gain, sedation and movement disorders. Risperdal and Invega also include a side effect called gynecomastia, a condition where boys develop breasts.

Nearly 2.2 million children were on antidepressants in 2013, and more than 830,000 were taking antipsychotics. In addition, doctors often prescribe the anti-seizure drug Depakote for children with bipolar disorder, a use not approved by the FDA. The medication has a black box warning for increased risk of liver failure and pancreatitis in children and adults.

(Blog owner’s note: Antidepressants are sometimes mistakenly prescribed to depressed children who are actually experiencing the depressed phase of bipolar disorder. The risk is that antidepressants can bump a child’s mood way too high, into mania.)

ATTENTION DEFICIT HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER (ADHD)

Doctors use stimulants like Ritalin and Adderall to treat ADHD.

Doctors have been diagnosing children as young as 4 with ADHD. In the past nearly 30 years, the number of children diagnosed with ADHD has grown six-fold. Scientists estimate about 5 percent of children actually have ADHD, but the CDC shows that 15 percent are diagnosed.

Doctors usually treat children with ADHD with stimulants such as Ritalin (methylphenidate) and Adderall (amphetamine and dextroamphetamine). Side effects of these drugs include decreased appetite, sleeping problems and headaches. Less common but more severe side effects include the development of tics and personality changes. Data from 2013 showed more than 4.4 million children were on ADHD drugs.

Children with a history of heart conditions may have a higher risk of strokes, heart attacks and sudden death when taking stimulants. Studies have also found rare cases of children developing hallucinations – such as hearing voices and increased suspicion without reason – or becoming manic.

Doctors may prescribe the use of medications to treat the health effects of bullying.

For example, children who suffer from depression or anxiety disorders (two health effects of bullying) may be prescribed selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), such as Prozac. It’s important for parents to be aware that all SSRIs carry risks.

Childhood Bullying & Its Health Effects

Research shows that bullying behavior can start as early as age 3. Both children who are bullied and those who bully others may have serious lasting health problems as a result of these actions.

Bullying may cause lasting health issues for both parties involved.

A 2017 study by University of Pittsburgh researchers, for example, found that children who are bullied experience mental and physical health issues that can last well into adulthood. The study shows that bullied children are more likely to have trouble with finances and to be treated unfairly by others. They are also more pessimistic about their futures, according to the study.

On the other hand, the study revealed bullies are more likely to be stressed, hostile and aggressive, and to smoke cigarettes and marijuana. Both bullies and their victims are at a higher risk of heart disease, which is the leading cause of death for both men and women.

 

Children & Medications

Children are particularly vulnerable to the potentially harmful side effects of drugs during important stages of physical and mental development. The amount of mental health drugs prescribed to youth has increased at an alarming rate, and each comes with its own risk.

AUTHOR

Emily Miller
emiller@drugwatch.com
407-955-4198

 

This is the full article from which the above post is excerpted:
“Children’s Comprehensive Health Guide – From Newborn to Preteen”