Tag: parenting

The Silent Suffering of Parent Abuse When Children Abuse Parents

The Silent Suffering of Parent Abuse When Children Abuse Parents

Parent abuse is real and serious.

This [edited] article is by Alicia Bradley, LCPC, who lives in the United Kingdom.  It is excellent and covers a serious and hidden subject that’s rarely addressed.  “How many people have heard of parent abuse? especially at the hands of teenage children with serious social and violence issues? Google it. You won’t find much, except on a few support sites.  Parent abuse is a form of domestic violence that results in physical harm, damage to property, job loss, PTSD, and family breakdown.”


What Is Parent Abuse?

We have all heard of child abuse and how children are damaged by this terrible behavior, and you only have to Google “child abuse” to find page after page of information, support groups, and advice on this subject, but, how many people have heard of parent abuse? especially at the hands of teenage children with serious social interaction and violence issues? Google it. You won’t find much, except on a few support sites.

screaming teenager

Parent abuse occurs when the child commits an act or acts against the parent through manipulation, control, and intimidation in order to exert control and have power over the parent. Parent abuse can take different forms, from physical, emotional, verbal, to financial abuse.  According to Barbara Cottrell in the book When Teens Abuse Their Parents, parent abuse can be defined as “any harmful act of a teenage child intended to gain power and control over a parent.” (It should be noted that children of any age (pre-teen or adult) can commit parent abuse, not just teenagers.)

For parents and families who share their home with abusive young people, there is virtually no support or protection. In both the UK and the US, the law is on the side of the child, not the parent.  Parents seeking help will instead get inappropriate advice or blame.  The parent is always under suspicion so they keep it secret.  “Domestic violence feeds on silence.”

Signs of Parent Abuse by a Teenager

crying motherParent abuse is a form of domestic violence that results in physical harm, damage to property, job loss, PTSD, and family breakdown. It is usually perpetrated by a child in their teens who displays the following behaviors towards parent(s) and members of their family.  Signs include:

  • Threats of and/or physical violence including hitting, punching, kicking, pushing, slapping, biting, hair pulling with or without weapons or objects.
  • Screaming, swearing, and name calling
  • Intimidation
  • A constant refusal to do what has been asked (going to bed, coming home, asking friends to leave, cleaning up after themselves, not attending school/college/work), or contribute to the household, or participate in normal family activities.
  • Bullying by text or phone
  • Stealing money or property or misuse of parents credit cards/phones/computers
  • Deliberate damaging of property
  • Threats of or actual violence to pets or other children of the household as a way of intimidation
  • Emotional blackmail, such as threatening to accuse the parents of abusing them, or actually doing so
  • Drug/alcohol abuse in the home
  • Belittling parents in front of friends/other family members/public.
  • Willful drug abuse in front of family/friends
  • Other illegal activity

This abuse often occurs at school too, where students abuse their teachers and other students.  It occurs in other relationships too, when a teen abuses or bullies another adult or acquaintance.

beaten mother

Those suffering from parent abuse have experienced physical harm resulting in medical or mental health treatment or even  death; there’s damage to property, theft, or bullying other family members.  Quite often, the child who is abusing the parent does it willfully and for enjoyment.  The ability for empathy and compassion may be not well-developed they impacted by  mental disorders or psychological disturbances.

The law is almost always on the child’s side, but there is little to protect parents from children who abuse their parents. In the UK and US, you as a parent are legally responsible for that child.  There aren’t social services or legal protections for parents unless the child has a long history of repeated offenses of violence involving the police that has been reported and documented.  Schools often expel teenagers with behavioral issues, but for the parent… now what?  Expulsion protects the public but the parent is still very much at risk.

teen bullyParent abuse is not restricted to certain social groups; it can affect single and two-parent families equally. It is usually the mother or the primary caregiver who is targeted, but other children in the family and fathers suffer too.

What Causes Teens to Abuse Their Parents?

It is difficult for parents to recognize they are being abused, or admit they are being abused.  Most blame themselves and are therefore reluctant to seek help.  Yet many people (most?) consider parent abuse to be the result of bad parenting, neglect, or the child suffering abuse themselves. However, many teen abusers have had a normal upbringing and have not suffered from these issues.  Other factors contribute to children abusing their parents, such as undiagnosed mental illness.  Additionally, if the child sees domestic abuse happen in the household, they will be more likely to continue such behaviors.  Parent victims of domestic violence are often re-victimized by their own children.

Psychological Effects of Parent Abuse

girl hittingParents who are exposed to abuse from their child are affected in many ways, with many psychological issues as a result of the abuse. They can lose their ability to control the household and protect everyone else—all family members are victimized just like in any situation with domestic violence between adults.  They develop PTSD, depression, and suffer from lack of sleep and constant fear anxiety.

Giving into the child’s demands and abusive tactics can,
paradoxically, be easier to handle than the severe backlash
they’ll face by standing up for themselves.

10 Steps for Dealing With an Abusive Child

Do not allow yourself to suffer in silence; confront this problem for everyone’s sake, including your abusive teen.  You have little choice but to take back control!  Do not give your power away any more; you really can put a stop to abuse.

  1. If you are suffering from parent abuse, you must recognize that you are not at fault and do not deserve this, as with any form of abuse. Speak to a friend, or contact a domestic violence support group. Seek professional help.
  2. Calmly confront the child about their behavior and tell them you will not tolerate it anymore. Explain that what they are doing is abuse (and brace yourself ahead of time because their backlash could be fierce). You will have to communicate this many times so that they will eventually hear you.  It doesn’t mean they’ll have any intention of stopping, but it prepares them to expect what you’re about to do next.
  3. Remove all privileges, rights to cell phones, computers, video games, money, etc. and refuse to be a taxi service. Set boundaries and punishments and enforce them.  Be careful, if the child makes homicidal threats don’t hesitate to call the police and get them to an emergency room for a psychiatric evaluation!  Remember the definition of a mental health emergency: the person is “a danger to themselves or others.”
  4. If your teen runs, report them to the police immediately, and report anyone who is harboring your runaway. (Anyone who protects runaways from parents is guilty of the crime of custodial interference.)  Sometimes police intervention is enough of a wake-up call for your teenager and reduces the severity of abuse or leads to stopping it.
  5. abusive son in courtIf you feel that you can still communicate with your child, seek mediation with a counselor or other professional, and explain that you will not tolerate this behavior in the session. You want someone else to hear this.  Lay down some ground rules.  Take a hard stance and tell your child that if you are hit again, you will call the police and have them arrested. Don’t call their bluff, do it. They need to see that you mean business. If your child physically harms you, steals from you, or damages property, involve the police immediately and PRESS CHARGES!  Sometimes getting law enforcement and the juvenile justice system involved is the only way to get professional help for abusive teenagers.
  6. Try not to retaliate by hitting back unless in absolute self-defense, and disarm them if they come at you with a weapon. Abusive teens have called the police themselves, or other sympathetic adults, to report you have hit or abused them, and the law will come down on their side first. You can be prosecuted for hitting your child, and your child can be removed from your care as can any other children in your household. Don’t be reluctant and call the police immediately (!), get it on record.
  7. Get help and support from other parents who understand and will support you without judgment.
    a—In the UK contact Parentline Plus, an organization dedicated to helping parents. They can be reached at 0808 800 2222. Visit their website and look on the message boards for help and support groups in your area. They often run groups which offer practical support and tips for parenting difficult teens.
    b—In the US you can call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).  Also look for a StandUp Parenting support group in your area.  Their website is standupparenting.org/.
  8. Approach your child’s school and have your child referred to children’s mental health services, or refer them yourself, informing them that you are suffering parent abuse.
  9. Keep a journal of events, with dates, times, etc., or a video diary, and film your child when they are abusing you (you can use your mobile phone or digital camera). Often, when faced with media of their own behavior, it can shock them into accepting help from professionals.  (I’ve personally seen videos work very, very well –Margaret)
  10. You cannot do this alone!  Involve others who will help you.  Seek help from extended family and friends to see if they can offer to give you respite by taking the child from you for a few days.  Get therapy for yourself and your family.  You are all paralyzed by suffering–it’s serious and can affect all of you for years.

If you’re a victim of abuse by your child, take Ms. Bradley’s advice and take action.  –Margaret

Resolving Parent Abuse

furious boyHopefully, you found some strategies in this article to help you deal with abuse from your children. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and there are solutions that can stop the violence from continuing. Stay strong and be vigilant and plan ahead for self-protection. If you love your child, love yourself. They need you to be OK.

Be strong.  Be courageous.  You can do this.

Note from blog owner:  I made edits for length or clarification, and added additional information.  This is a link to the original published article by Alicia Bradley LCPC.
—Margaret


Do you have a story of abuse?  Do you have questions or need support from others?  Add your comments.  Other parents out there know what it’s like, and they care.

Take this parenting skills test if you have a troubled child

Take this parenting skills test if you have a troubled child

So how are you doing in your difficult parenting job?  Score your parenting skills on a test designed for parents of children ages 11-15.  This is intended for parents of ‘normal’ children, so you may skip 5, 6, and 7. (If you are brave, have someone else score you too and compare results.)

Parenting Skills Test – printable form

Don’t be hard on yourself if you score low.  Only a “perfect” parent will have an excellent score… and they wouldn’t need to read this blog!

What did you learn?  What are the skills where you scored lowest?  Focus on them.  Troubled kids need to be parented differently.  What you’ve learned by watching skilled parents may not apply to you.  You might be thinking:  “I agree these are good parenting skills, but practicing them is impossible with my child. They hate/defy/scream/fill-in-the-blank constantly.” Suggestion:  Work on one skill at a time, and take the test again in few weeks to see if you’ve improved your score. 

Be and kind forgiving of yourself if you score low

When my child was young and I was stressed, I would have had a low score and fallen in the “Keep trying” group.  My child’s mental health so poor, and she was so at-risk, I could only focus on safety and live one day at a time.

Why 3 of the items don’t apply for parents with mentally ill children, IMHO

#5  “I let natural consequences do the teaching whenever feasible.”  In my case, natural consequences could always be serious and unsafe.  This would have been very unwise.
#6  “I am confident my child has everything she/he needs to make good decisions.”  No way.  They cannot make good decisions when they are irrational–that’s the problem.
#7  “I allow my child to do his/her chores without reminding.”  I gave up on chores.  It was one battle I didn’t have to fight.  It was much easier doing them myself and knowing they’d be done.

Please add a comment if you have found other skills to be effective,

–Margaret

Practical ways to calm yourself, your child, your family

Practical ways to calm yourself, your child, your family

You need peace and calm in your household, and you can provide the touch that supports all other approaches:  Therapy; disciplined meditation and yoga, anti-anxiety medications (don’t be afraid to use them), but they’re not the best long-term solution.  There are proven techniques for calming yourself, your stormy child, and all other family members.

1. Calming yourself in the tension-filled moment

Become consciously aware of your tension and ask:  What are my options for coping with my tension right now?  Brainstorm options ahead of time and create a list because you won’t be able to process in the moment.  For example:  take a very deep breath, then silently count to 10 backwards.  Another idea:  eliminate distractions.  Turn off the cell phone, send others out of the room, pull the car over, turn off the music…  You must strategically choose your response to a common situation.

Ways to calm your child in the moment

Note:  the techniques are different for each child depending on their disorder and its characteristics.  Experiment to find out what works with your child’s typical patterns at home, in school, with others, and in other situations that are stressful for them.

In a steady voice, give them directions or requests to calm down.  You will need to repeat yourself periodically as they struggle with their inner storm.  If you ask them to move to another space or use their own calming, skills, use your body language to initiate the act.  If you ask them to take a deep breath, do it yourself.  If it helps them to punch a pillow, punch it yourself and hand it over.

2. Be your own cheerleader.

Silently think, “I can handle this;” “I’m the one in control;” “I am the calm upon the face of troubled waters…”  Have fun with it.

3. Give your child a calm place to go.

There’s nothing like a kid cave, or a blanket fort, a special garden spot, or other time-out space, even the car.  My personal favorite is a tree house.

4. Give them extra time to “change channels”

An anxious child or teen is stuck in a fear loop, and has great difficulty moving from one environment to another–something called “transitioning.”  Some typical transition problems occur when: coming home from school; getting out of the car after a long ride; going to bed after a stimulating activity; and waking up in the morning.  Plan extra time for transitions.  If they are too wound up but not hurting anything, wait them out.

5. Redirect their focus to physical action.

Draw attention to something to distract them in the moment (this is a useful kind of channel-changing).  A young child could be directed to a physical activity (draw, grapple with clay, throw a Nerf ball against the wall), a teen can be allowed to play their favorite music (if you hate it, have them use headphones, or you use earplugs, seriously.); shoot baskets; or take the dog for a walk.

6. Other supports

Animals heal, but strategically pick the best animals.  See “Animals that make the best therapy pets.”  Think of a calm smiling dog, a calm affectionate cat, or a little mellow animal like a hamster or turtle, and you’ve got pet therapists.  Energetic or barking dogs or scratchy kitties probably won’t work.

A big squeeze.  People and many kinds of animals are comforted with enveloping physical pressure, like a full hug.  I’ve completely wrapped anxious children and teens in a blanket or coat, and they quickly calmed down.  Teach your child the self hug… and hug yourself often, too!

You may be able to stop things before they start.  Once a situation has passed, ask yourself what happened just prior to your child’s episode.  Was there a trigger?  Did they just transition from one kind of place to another?  Do you have options for removing the trigger?  Triggering events can be so small or elusive that you miss it.  The child’s sibling could have sniffed or rolled their eyes without you noticing.  An object your child or teen reached for (like a remote control) could have just been unintentionally grabbed by someone else.  If you can identify the little frustrations that send them to the stratosphere and address them immediately, it will reduce the length of distress.

Calming your home for the long term

Calm your emotional self first and think Zen.  If you can take 5 minutes during a day, even a stressful day, sit quietly and breathe, and consciously work at eliminating all thoughts, ALL THOUGHTS, you would calm down.  Not thinking anything is the hard part of meditation, yet it is the skill that makes it work, and there’s proof.

Maintain bodily calm with the big three: exercise, sleep, and healthy diet.  I know you’ve heard this a million times already, but there’s good reason and proof.  If you can’t simultaneously maintain all three habits in your family, take one at time and you will still see benefits.

Calm the sensations that exist in your home environment.  Reduce noise, disorder, family emotional upheavals, and the intrusive stimulation of an always-on TV and other screen time, etc.  Create a place for quiet time in your home where anyone can go that’s contemplative, where people agree to behave as if they’re in a library, or a place of worship, or a safe zone.  Or create a time period for settling in, such as right after school, or right before dinner.

Did you know that psychiatric hospital units are designed to keep patients calm?  I’ve toured a number of psychiatric hospitals, and the best ones I saw had these elements.

  • Soothing visual environment:  they had windows and lots of light, plants, beautiful aquariums with gorgeous fish and lots of bubbles, and a TV screen with a film or a burning log.  All great for relaxation and brain-calming.
  • Soothing sound environment:  besides the bubbling aquarium, there was low-energy music of various styles.
  • Soothing physical environment:  soft furniture, a large table where people could gather in the comfort and buzz of a group, and nooks where people could remove themselves from the group buzz to avoid over-stimulation or listen to music on headphones.

Add these to your home too, or create a special calming room: Calming room ideas to prevent tantrums for kids with autism or other disorders.

Two things to avoid

1.  Do not communicate strong emotions in your voice.  What you say absolutely does not matter as much as how you say it!  Negative tone of voice is the only thing an upset child or teen will hear.  Yes I know, this is hard to control when you are excited or under stress! (Later on, after the incident, apologize for how you said something, but don’t apologize for an appropriate direction or request you made.)  Practice vocal neutrality.  Take a deep breath and an extra 2 seconds to squash the urge.  Which is better: “Will you please let the cat out?” versus “Will you PULLEEEEZ let the cat OUT!!!

2.  Don’t pressure the child to calm down when they’re not ready—it takes time for anyone to unwind.  Wait patiently while a child or teen works through ugly emotions and finishes spewing their ugly stuff.  Let them have their catharsis.  We all need to release our stuff, and we all need others to patiently listen and endure.

In my support group, I’ve observed that very stressed parents need at least one solid hour to vent and cry before they’re calm enough to benefit from other parents’ supportive words and sympathy.  They start out with ugly or devastating emotions–things they might not say to anyone outside the safety of the group–and eventually calm down and come to peace with their situation.  That’s when they are able to listen to the support and advice from other members.

–Margaret

– – – – – – –

ABSTRACT – Mindfulness practice leads to increases in regional brain gray matter density
Britta K. Hölzelab, James Carmodyc, Mark Vangela, Christina Congletona, Sita M. Yerramsettia, Tim Gardab, Sara W. Lazara
Psychiatry Research: Neuroimaging,Volume 191, Issue 1, Pages 36-43 (30 January 2011)

Summary in plain English:  Meditation causes structural changes in the brain associated with memory, empathy, and stress, according to new research. Researchers examined MRI scans of participants over a period of 8 weeks. Daily meditation sessions of 30 minutes produced measurable changes in subjects with no previous meditation history. The anxiety and stress region of the brain, the amygdala, produced less gray matter. In a non-meditating control group, these positive changes did not take place.

“Therapeutic interventions that incorporate training in mindfulness meditation have become increasingly popular, but to date little is known about neural mechanisms associated with these interventions. Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), one of the most widely used mindfulness training programs, has been reported to produce positive effects on psychological well-being and to ameliorate symptoms of a number of disorders. Here, we report a controlled longitudinal study to investigate pre–post changes in brain gray matter concentration attributable to participation in an MBSR program. Anatomical magnetic resonance (MR) images from 16 healthy, meditation-naïve participants were obtained before and after they underwent the 8-week program. Changes in gray matter concentration were investigated using voxel-based morphometry, and compared with a waiting list control group of 17 individuals. Analyses in a priori regions of interest confirmed increases in gray matter concentration within the left hippocampus. Whole brain analyses identified increases in the posterior cingulate cortex, the temporo-parietal junction, and the cerebellum in the MBSR group compared with the controls. The results suggest that participation in MBSR is associated with changes in gray matter concentration in brain regions involved in learning and memory processes, emotion regulation, self-referential processing, and perspective taking.

What to do when you’re blamed for your child’s behavior

What to do when you’re blamed for your child’s behavior

  

Our sick kids deserve compassion too
Our sick kids deserve compassion too

I have yet to meet one family with a troubled child that has not felt blamed or judged by close people in their lives:  best friends, family members, a religious community, co-workers, even medical and mental health providers.  Nothing could be more wrong or more hurtful to the family’s well being.  Blame adds emotional burdens on top of what they already face, and can undermine an already shaky hope and faith. 

 

Parents like us are aware that many people are not comfortable around a child with bizarre or extreme behaviors, like our child.  We understand this.  After all, who else knows more about the stress they create?  But it is unacceptable to be blamed or judged by others on our parenting, our character, our child, and/or presumed to be abusing our child.  This is simply not true for the overwhelming majority of families with troubled children.

 

These are some things that have helped caregivers cope with, and overcome, the debilitating effect of judgment and blame.

 

First, resist defending yourself; it will only attract more unwanted attention and disagreement.  You don’t have the time or emotional energy to teach someone who resists and challenges everything you say with countless questions and misinformation.  Avoid people like this (even friends and family!).

 

Second, actively seek out supportive people who take the time to listen, just listen.  You need as large as possible a network of compassionate people around you.  Stop and think about this, you have many around you already.  They may be waiting in the wings, at a polite distance so as not to interfere or add to your stress.  If you think you can trust someone, ask them to be your friend.  You will be surprised at how many people are out there who have a loved one with a mental or emotional disorder, and how many are willing to help because they completely understand what you’re going through.

 

Third, politely and assertively say thanks but no thanks.  If judgmental people ask why you haven’t contacted them or returned calls, tell the truth, also without blame or judgment.  “Our situation is not good, but we are getting the best professional help, and we have been pulling back to take care of ourselves.  Thanks for showing interest, and thanks for your understanding and for giving us space.”  No apologies.

 

There is a curious phenomenon where craziness seems to attract “crazy” people.  You must block them from your life.  They might be obsessed with a religious, medical, or philosophical belief and want to make your child’s life their cause.  If this happens to you, don’t hesitate to end contact with anyone that wants to entangle themselves in your lives without your permission.  You are never responsible for meeting another’s needs or fitting their beliefs!

 

I once had a co-worker who had strong feelings about “natural” health care, who offered a steady stream of articles and comments about what could help my child.  I had to firmly insist that if she could find one piece of research proving that her preferred treatments helped even one person with schizophrenia, then I would listen.  This ended the unsolicited advice. 

 

Fourth, be prepared to grieve lost connections.

 

A single mother with a 16-year-old daughter sought help in a support group:  “Can someone help me?  I need someone to call my sister or mother and tell them that I and [my daughter] are not criminals or sickos.  They’ve stopped calling, they refuse to have us over or visit for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and I just want someone else to tell them that she’s fine now because she’s taking meds, and that her behavior is not her fault or my fault.”

 

Let go of those who blame, and move forward with your priorities.  Very often, they eventually turn around and make an effort to understand.  Many really do change and apologize for their insensitivity. I’ve experienced this and observed this, but it is not your job to make this happen.

 

Your criteria for friendship will change.  You will find out who your real friends are, and they may not be family members or current friends.  Real friends let you talk about feelings without judgment or advice, they are always around to listen, they help out with little things:  go out for coffee; call to check in on you; or watch your other kids in a crisis.  They may be people you never felt close to before but who have reached out to you with compassion.  Accept their help.  Don’t be too private or too proud to accept the offer of support.  Someday, after you have turned your family’s life around, find another family who needs your support.  Make a promise to help others in need, and to give back to the universe.