A high percentage of teenagers go through a rebellious or ‘crazy’ phase that is normal for their age and brain development. The difference between normal teen-crazy and truly troubled behavior is when the teenager falls behind his or her peers in critical areas. At a bare minimum, a normal teen will be able to do the following:
Attend school and do most school work if they want to;
Have and keep a friend or friends their own age who also attend school;
Develop a maturity level roughly the same as his or her peers;
Exercise self-control when he or she wants to;
Demonstrate basic survival instincts and avoid doing serious harm to themselves, others, or property.
Enjoy activities that interest them.
It is normal for many teens to be inconsistent, irrational, insensitive to others, self-centered, and childish. Screaming or swearing is normal–regard this the same as a toddler temper tantrum. Outlandish imagination and ideas are normal in the adolescent phase too. These are behaviors that crazy teens grow out of unless something else is holding them back. What you’d call troubled behavior, the kind that necessitates mental health treatment, is a matter of degree.
This is your challenge: How do you tell the difference? Troubled teens with mental disorders have the same challenging behaviors as ‘normal’ crazy teens… How do you know if they need serious mental health treatment? Look for pervasive patterns of social and behavioral problems that stand out against their peers, patterns which persist or occur in different settings. Look back at how long these patterns have been occuring. Are the patterns repeating themselves, or are behaviors increasingly worse? Do you You your troubled teen is slipping behind and won’t grow out of it.
Signs of abnormal behavior
A sudden change in behavior.
An abrupt change in friends and interests, and loss of interest in things your teenager used to enjoy. This might indicate the onset of a serious mental illness or drug use or both.
Others think there is something abnormal about your child. (e.g., your child’s friend comes forward, their teacher calls, other parents keep their children from your child, or someone checks to see if you’re aware of the nature of his or her behaviors).
Unsafe behaviors (“Unsafe” means there’s a danger of harm to themselves or others, property loss or damage, running away, seeking experiences with significant risk (or easily lured into them), abusing substances, and physical or emotional abuse of others.)
If a troubled teenager does something unsafe to themselves or others, it is not an accident, but something impulsive, intentional, and planned.
They have a history of intentional unsafe activities.
They have or seek the means to do unsafe activities.
They talk about or threaten unsafe behavior.
How psychologists measure the severity of a child’s behavior
“Normal” is defined with textual descriptions of behaviors, and these are placed on a spectrum from normal to abnormal (or “severe emotional disturbance” – SED). Below are a few examples of a range of behaviors in different settings. These descriptions are generalizations and should not be used to predict your child’s treatment needs, but they do offer insight into severity and the need for mental health treatment.
Not serious – This child has occasional problems with a teacher or classmate that are eventually worked out, and usually don’t happen again.
Mildly serious – This child often disobeys school rules but doesn’t harm anyone or property. Compared to their classmates, they are troublesome or concerning, but not unusually badly behaved. They are intelligent, but don’t work hard enough or focus enough to have better grades. They could use help from a school counselor, teachers, and possibly a therapist for themselves or the family.
Serious – This child disobeys rules repeatedly, or skips school, or is known to disobey rules outside of school. They stand out in the crowd as having chronic behavior problems compared to other students and their grades are poor even if they’re very intelligent. This child needs mental health or substance abuse treatment.
Very serious – This child cannot be in school or they are dangerous in school. They cannot follow rules or function, even in a special classroom, or they may threaten or hurt others or damage property. It is feared they will have a difficult future, perhaps ending up in jail or having lifetime problems. If they cooperate, this child requires intensive mental health and or substance abuse treatment.
Not serious – This child is well-behaved most of the time but has occasional problems, which are usually worked out.
Mildly serious – This child has to be watched and reminded often, and needs pushing to follow rules or do chores or homework. They don’t seem to learn their lessons and are endlessly frustrating. They can be defiant or manipulative, but their actions aren’t serious enough to merit intensive treatment, though a school counselor or private counselor would be very beneficial.
Serious – This child cannot follow rules, even reasonable ones. They can’t explain or take no responsibility for their behavior, which can include damage to the home or property, or harm to themselves or others. They need mental health treatment or substance abuse treatment.
Very serious – The stress caused by this child means the family cannot manage normally at home even if they work together. Running away, damaging property, threats of suicide or violence to others, and other behaviors require daily sacrifices from all. Police are commonly called. This child needs intense psychiatric treatment and/or substance abuse treatment, and likely residential treatment.
Not serious – The child has and keeps friends their own age, and has healthy friendships with people of different ages, such as with a grandparent or younger neighbor.
Mildly serious – This child may seem extra immature. They will argue, tease, bully or harass others, and most schoolmates avoid them. They are quick to have temper tantrums and childish responses to stress that always require extra attention from parents and caregivers.
Serious – The child has no friends their age, or risky friends, and can be manipulative or threatening. They can have violent tendencies, poor judgment, and take dangerous risks with themselves and others. They don’t care about others’ feelings, or may readily harm others physically or emotionally. This child needs therapy and psychiatric mental health treatment or substance abuse treatment.
Very serious – The child’s behavior is so aggressive verbally or physically that they are almost always overwhelming to be around. The behaviors are repeated and deliberate, and can lead to verbal or physical violence against others or themselves. This child needs intensive psychiatric and/or substance abuse treatment.
Pay attention to your gut feelings.
If you’ve been searching for answers and selected this article to read, your suspicions are probably true. Trust your intuition. Most parents have good insight into their child. If you’re looking for ways to “fix” or change your child, there just aren’t any easy methods or medications or therapies to do this except over time. Treatment means multiple life changes in addition to medication and therapy, and these can include help for insomnia, a change in diet, treatment for digestive system problems, and household changes to reduce stress.
Mental illness is serious and recovery is a long slow process. It is understandable if you want them to recover quickly–your stress can be intolerable. Avoid pushing for recovery because it will only stress your child and lead you to disappointment. Instead, cooperate with professionals (teachers, treatment providers), and prepare yourself for a parenting marathon. What’s the best way to prepare? Work hard on your own mental health and wellbeing. Lower your expectations for steady progress. This advice and wisdom from other parents may help you face this daunting task.
Early treatment, while your troubled teenager is young, can prevent a lifetime of problems. Find a professional who will take time to get to know your child and you and the situation, and who will listen to what you have to say–a teacher, doctor, therapist, psychiatrist or other mental health practitioner.
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I have first-hand experience raising a child with schizoaffective disorder. Up until my child’s onset of the disorder in the ‘tweens’, I never thought I had much patience or backbone. But one’s character strengthens with trials, and I learned I was patient and stronger inside than I thought. Parenting my child entirely changed my life’s direction.
Farther down this post are practical tips and advice for raising a child with schizoaffective disorder.
My Story: Schizoaffective teens have both schizophrenic symptoms (thoughts disconnected from reality) and affective symptoms (unstable emotions and moods). My child had to persevere through intense feelings, excruciating anxiety, and thoughts that rarely touched on facts. How could anyone maintain any semblance of normalcy during this? The mental effort of holding herself together must have been exhausting.
My child was often exasperated with me, as other teens can be with their parents: “Mom, stop explaining everything. You don’t understand; it’s like the TV’s on, the radio’s on, you’re talking to me, and I’m trying to read a book, and I can’t not think about every single thing.” Right, I did not understand. I sounded like she was processing 10,000 inputs at once. The mental overload must be why she acted crazy.
Hallucinations feel real when you’re in them
My child had a slow early onset of hallucinatory experiences beginning about 11 or 12, and she was able to hide it until 14. She considered the hallucinations and voices normal and became accustomed to them. Eventually, she noticed that others didn’t see or hear the same things: the rhinoceros walking by; the sky turning green; words writing themselves on a blackboard. She took this proof of being special, magical, a traveler on the metaphysical plane. She had attitude and felt superior to others; she felt she had special powers.
I have never had hallucinations, but you may be interested reading about what others experience (What hallucinations are like, from those who know.) I imagine they are like dreaming wide awake. My child described a conversation that must have been inspired by the comedy show, Monty Python: two loudly arguing British ladies, with thick Cockney accents, relentlessly criticizing each other’s cooking and husbands. She said this only occurred in math class, and complained that it was impossible to hear what the teacher said. Even today, during summers when she is happy, she seems to be hearing jokes. Our family witnesses outbursts of laughter and giggling for no apparent reason. Humor is contagious, and we all cheer up when this happens.
My child’s visual hallucinations took fascinating forms: stairs looked like a cascading waterfall; a living room chair continually rotated in space instead of standing still; moving objects left trails in space, like a series of images seen with a strobe light.
She awoke one morning and described her life as a powerful queen for 1000 years, and talked about it in extraordinary detail. She had an uncanny air of confidence and royal privilege in the telling.
My child is the bipolar type of schizoaffective person. While depressive types don’t have the highs or excessive agitation, they still suffer with anxiety and paranoia. When she was in a down cycle, she darkened her room and slept in a pile of bed-clothes on the floor. She avoided things with negative symbolic meaning, such as certain people, certain streets, or certain names. For some reason, sunflowers and Christmas were upsetting. During depressive phases, she talked about suicide, or “caught” other disorders such as anorexia and PTSD. I was often accused of abuse and endured many hurtful words.
Haunted by anxiety and paranoia
Anxiety and panic were torturous, and I wished I could have spared her from the pain. She would obsess on a past emotional hurt and become horribly upset for hours, days, weeks at a time. (In my stress and ignorance back then, I yelled at my child unaware of how hard this impacted her mental health.) I have apologized a zillion times.
My child continues to obsess on ancient hurts, now well into adulthood. Any traumatizing experience can become a theme in the life story of a schizoaffective person. They will refer to it and make connections to it for the rest of their lives. Major obsessions with my child are about money (having money, people stealing money, having no control over money). It’s common for her to interpret any event as the turning point when everything started to go downhill, “That’s when you took all my money, “That’s when you ruined my life.”
Paranoia is ever-present. It’s the very nature of schizophrenia spectrum disorders to find something to be paranoid about. The point is that a parent to must avoid talking them out of their paranoia. It will never work, and both of you become frustrated and upset with each other. The emotional drain on your child can also cause intense irritability. I had to learn to “de-escalate” my child, don a quiet and patient demeanor, affirm her feelings, show empathy, and change the subject (“redirect”). The other problem with paranoia is that it creates intense resistance to psychiatric treatment–as if others are trying to control their mind. There’s more about building trust below, the kind of trust you’ll need to help them accept mental health treatment.
Stalkers of famous people often have schizoaffective disorder
She did some reading and told me that people with schizoaffective disorder often believe they are connected to a celebrity’s life as lovers or confidantes, and some will stalk that person. John Hinckley is a famous example of this. He believed he was the boyfriend of actress Jodie Foster in her role in the film, “Taxi Driver.” In this film, her boyfriend attempts to assassinate a president to impress her. Hinckley then did the same, and attempted to assassinate then-President Ronald Reagan. In prison, Hinckley was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. The Beatles musician, John Lennon, was killed by Mark David Chapman. Mark believed that he, himself, was John Lennon, and that the real John Lennon was impersonating him–Chapman is another person with schizoaffective disorder.
As an adult, my daughter told me that parents should pay attention to their schizoaffective child’s obsessions. An obsession might be considered harmless, such as obsessing on winning a lottery, or dangerous, such a wanting to stalk or harm someone because they your child is obsessed with them.
Partial complex seizures can simulate symptoms of schizoaffective disorder
Partial complex seizures of the left temporal lobe (temporal lobe epilepsy) cause, enhance, or simulate symptoms of schizoaffective disorder. If your child has not had an EEG (electroencephalogram), request one. If there is seizure activity, it can be easily treated by anticonvulsant medication. My child did indeed have this seizure type in the left temporal lobe. The medication removed some of her symptoms, such as seeing auras around people and moving patterns on surfaces. (See an abbreviated article with an explanation at the end of this post.)
Lessons I learned
Don’t challenge your child’s beliefsabout their experiences, even if you think they are strange, focus instead on keeping your child functional: taking medications, attending school if possible, engaging in safe activities, and managing their personal care. You will be better able to support appropriate and safe thinking if they trust you, and aren’t afraid you will argue with them.
Believe and act on any references to suicide or destructive plans—this may be manipulation, but don’t take the chance. If you believe your child is being manipulative or overly dramatic, ask them respectfully to stop. Yes, just ask.
Allow your child to talk comfortably about their hallucinatory experiences. You want to know what they are experiencing. Is a voice or image tormenting your child, like telling them to hurt themselves or others? My daughter was lucky in a way. Her main hallucination seemed to me like a boyfriend who gave her support and made jokes to make her laugh. (I think many of the jokes were about me.)
“Inoculate” your child from cruel voices or messages–teach them to deny the power of the voice(s) and not take them seriously. Example: “I know you can’t stop voice(s) from bullying you, but I encourage you to resist or ignore them or fight back. No one has power over you.” She was very upset once because her ‘boyfriend’ yelled at her. I told her to tell him, “Stop it and leave me alone! Don’t talk to me that way!” She did (somehow), and it apparently worked. The voice vanished for a couple of days (as if he was sulking?), but returned and apologized later.
Things you can do
Low stress is a priority. Create a low-key environment in the home, and limit stressful sensory input (people bickering, harsh music, intensely emotional movies or reading).
Allow your child to avoid over-stimulation–crowds or energized spaces with too many things happening (parties, malls, sports events or activities, slumber parties, or whatever they say it is).
Don’t argue with them if something they say doesn’t make sense to you. Listen attentively and avoid offering your opinions. Let me repeat, don’t reason with someone who is inherently irrational. Ensure they are safe, comfortable, and appropriate, and spend quality time listening like you would any other child.
Help them avoid anxiety-causing things or places. Go out of your way. Make a point of driving down a different road, or bringing them home from an event early, even if it’s inconvenient. This is respectful and humane because they are agonizing about something you don’t experience. You need their trust so they will listen to you and accept support that can protect them from their own mind.
Help them avoid dangerous obsessions–Some examples of dangerous obsessions for a schizoaffective person are extremists and extremist messages of any stripe, books about negative occult practices, suicide, extreme religious beliefs, and anything that threatens the safety of themselves or others.
Ask your child what they need to calm down or settle. If they want to be in a dark room with the windows covered with foil, fine. If they want to listen to loud music through headphones, fine. Just watch. It will be obvious if it settles them, or helps them focus and become clear-headed.
Allow your child to be weird at home as long as they adhere to basic rules. “I respect your freedom to be who you want to be, but you must take showers and wear clean clothes. Hygiene is the family policy. This rule won’t change, but I am happy to help you with this if you want.” No reasoning or justification, just a simple statement of the rules everyone follows.
Provide your child with a journal or large surface upon which to write or draw. This has several benefits. Writing and drawing help them process and organize their thoughts. It also helps you understand their head space, and if their thoughts reflect normal adolescents or are veering off into paranoia or potentially destructive obsessions.
You can ask for, and expect, respectful behavior
It is possible to ask your schizoaffective teen to stop disrespectful or harmful, inappropriate behavior, and it is possible to set a boundary if done in a respectful considerate tone of voice without justifying yourself.
Example of something I said to my daughter during a particularly dark period: “I’m leaving the house and I’ll be gone about 2 hours. Do not try to commit suicide, stay right here in your room and be calm. I’ll bring you a snack when I get home.” She groaned “oooh kaay”. Note that this gave her a reason to wait until I came home.
Outcomes are poor with schizoaffective people, but statistics say they have a better long-term prognosis than those experiencing schizophrenia (see “Outlook for schizoaffective disorder and schizophrenia”). Perhaps it’s because their emotional awareness gives them the ability to form friendships and relationships, and talk about feelings (unlike those suffering with ‘pure’ schizophrenia). See article at the end of this post, “Social Interaction Increases Survival by 50%.”
You are in this for the long haul. You will experience a roller coaster ride of emotions. Pace yourself as if in a marathon. There may be multiple crises and hospitalizations, but these may space farther apart over time with treatment and family support, and you’ll have respite. Your child will settle into stable, repeated patterns unique to them, and you’ll learn which triggers to avoid, and to ignore what isn’t important. You’ll also learn how to bring them back into positive states of mind, and set up a healthy environment where they choose to stay. Have hope. I lived this, and can attest to it.
Please add your own story or comment. Your observations help others. Read about other parents’ experiences, which may help you better understand your situation.
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Complex Partial Seizures Present Diagnostic Challenge (summary) Richard Restak, M.D. | Psychiatric Times, September 1, 1995
Temporal lobe epilepsy (TLE), is now more commonly called complex partial seizure disorder. It may involve gross disorders of thought and emotion, and patients with temporal lobe epilepsy frequently come to the attention of psychiatrists.
A Dr. Jackson observed in the late 1800’s that seizures originating in the medial temporal lobe often result in a “dreamy state” involving vivid memory-like hallucinationssometimes accompanied by déjà vu or jamais vu (interpreting frequently encountered people, places or events as unfamiliar). Jackson wrote of “highly elaborated mental states, sometimes called intellectual aura,” involving “dreams mixing up with present thoughts,” a “double consciousness” and a “feeling of being somewhere else.” While the “dreamy state” can occur in isolation, it is often accompanied by fear and a peculiar form of abdominal discomfort associated with loss of contact with surroundings, and automatisms involving the mouth and GI tract (licking, lip-smacking, grunting and other sounds).
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Social Interaction Increases Survival by 50% Psychiatric Times. July 30, 2010
Theoretical models have suggested that social relationships influence health through stress reduction and by more direct protective effects that promote healthy behavior. A recent study confirms this concept. Findings from a meta-analysis published in PLoS Medicine indicate that social interaction is a key to living longer. Julianne Holt-Lunstadt, PhD of Brigham Young University and colleagues analyzed data from 148 published studies (1979 through 2006) that comprised more than 300,000 individuals who had been followed for an average of 7.5 years. Not all the interactions in the reports were positive, yet the researchers found that thebenefits of social contact are comparable to quitting smoking, and exceed those of losing weight or increasing physical activity.
Results of studies that showed increased rates of mortality in infants in custodial care who lacked human contact were the impetus for changes in social and medical practice and policy. Once the changes were in place, there was a significant decrease in mortality rates. Holt-Lundstadt and colleagues conclude that similar benefits would be seen in the health outcomes of adults: “Social relationship-based interventions represent a major opportunity to enhance not only the quality of life but also of survival.”
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There is a troubled teen industry out there—boarding schools, outdoor programs, and “boot camps” that are not licensed, not certified, and not experienced with youth with disorders. Maybe you’ve seen the ads that promise to improve your teen’s behavior in the back of a print magazine, or a pop-up ad. They promise that their program will “fix” your child. They promise that your teen will learn important lessons about respect and about following your rules. There are quotes from satisfied parents about how the program saved their teen’s life, but you can’t contact them. The ads claim that staff are highly trained, strict, and caring. The location is usually too far to check out easily, an airline flight away from home, often in a rural area. The cost is outlandish. To help with payment, the program provides financial advice to parents about getting loans and 2nd mortgages.
It’s a red flag if they –>promise<– to ‘correct’ your child.
You’re a desperate parent and you’ll do anything you can to stop the craziness and get a break. You tell yourself it must be a nice place, especially if it advertises a religious approach*, even though you haven’t seen it in person. The representative on the phone seems to know exactly how you feel and what your teen needs. If you’re desperate, you may not think to ask if the organization is a legitimate behavioral health treatment facility. Many are not!
*Claiming a religious affiliation is no guarantee of a genuine, effective faith-based program.
What to ask:
What is the training and licensure of staff? You want to know if they have therapists with MSW degrees, registered nurses, psychiatrists or doctors, and if a professional is available on site 24/7. Mental health programs are about treatment and stability through medication or therapy, and positive activities with lots of emotional support. Safety must be paramount. Staff must be aware of the types of things that can go wrong and how crises should be handled.
Does the camp or school have a business license in their state? Are staff licensed to practice behavioral health? Do they have grievance procedures?
Is the camp or school accredited as a treatment facility, and by whom? Does it have mental health agency oversight? Are emergency services (hospital, law enforcement) a phone call away? If your child’s mental health is a concern, read “What to know about psychiatric residential treatment.”
Can you call and talk to your child when you request? Can you visit? Can your child call you when they request it? Some of these programs limit or disallow parental contact. Why? According to a testimonial at a children’s mental health conference, a young man was used as slave labor at a camp. The staff kept communicating to his mother that he was misbehaving, that he hated her and didn’t want to talk, and that they recommended he stay another 6 months. In this way, they drew out his stay for 3 years.
I’ve heard personal testimony from parents and troubled young people whose condition was worsened by the camp or school, or who felt betrayed by their families. On rare occasions, children have died at the hands of young, untrained staff who thought they were just disciplining the child. Other stories included teens being offered drugs by staff or other campers, or sexual relationships with staff or campers.
Check out the article below. The problems in the “troubled teen industry” are significant enough such that an advocacy group has formed to change state laws to protect youth.
Unlicensed residential programs: The next challenge in protecting youth. –excerpt-
By Friedman, Robert M.; Pinto, Allison; Behar, Lenore; Bush, Nicki; Chirolla, Amberly; Epstein, Monica; Green, Amy; Hawkins, Pamela; Huff, Barbara; Huffine, Charles; Mohr, Wanda; Seltzer, Tammy; Vaughn, Christine; Whitehead, Kathryn; Young, Christina Kloker
American Journal of Orthopsychiatry. Vol 76(3), Jul 2006, 295-303.
According to this article, many private residential facilities are neither licensed as mental health programs nor accredited by respected national accrediting organizations. The Alliance for the Safe, Therapeutic and Appropriate use of Residential Treatment (A START) is a multi-disciplinary group of mental health professionals and advocates that formed in response to rising concerns about reports from youth, families, and journalists describing mistreatment in the unregulated programs. There is a range of mistreatment and abuse experienced by youth and families, including harsh discipline, inappropriate seclusion and restraint, substandard psychotherapeutic interventions, medical and nutritional neglect, rights violations and death.
“My son is always in his room and gets extremely upset if I go in there. He says he has a right to privacy, but I suspect something bad is going on, and want to search his room when he’s not there. Would I be violating his rights? It is OK to search his room?
–Mother of 15-year-old boy
I’ve gotten asked this question many times. The answer is “Yes” in the following circumstances:
Your child’s behavior has been changing recently, or they have become more secretive, irritable, or defiant than usual
He or she has left old friends for new ones whom you are concerned about, or has fewer and fewer friends
His or her grades have fallen recently even though they were formerly a good student
You sense that he or she is depressed or overly anxious or paranoid
Your child pressures you for money, or steals it from you, or finds ways to get money
You’ve tried talking with your child about general things in life, school, or feelings, and were met with anger or excuses or deflection.
If there is any concern that something that can be dangerous is being hidden from you: search your child’s room.
When a young person gets very upset about invading their privacy, they likely are hiding something from you because they know you’ll disapprove. What could it be? Drug or alcohol use? An inappropriate relationship? Porn? Cutting or self harm? Severe depression? The onset of paranoid psychosis?
You have ample legal rights as a parent, but use them wisely and cautiously.*
If something is going wrong with your child and they need your help, you must do a balancing act: 1) get the facts; 2) maintain their trust and keep open lines of communication. Some of the dangerous activities above are common for ‘normal’ difficult teenagers, who can grow out of it or be rehabilitated with treatment and ample family support. Some of these are emergent mental illnesses that need treatment immediately. Why immediately? The sooner the child gets treatment at early onset, the less likely their disorder will develop into serious symptoms as an adult. Mental illnesses are degenerative to the brain, but you can stop it from going further if you start treatment early.
You can search through all their items for things that are or may lead to unsafe behavior. Things you might look for are razor blades, illicit drugs or drug paraphernalia, over-the-counter drugs or drugs that can’t be purchased under the age of 21 (e.g. Benadryl), pseudo-drugs like bags of incense powder, weapons (knives, guns), porn, sexual items, blood on clothes from cutting, etc. You can read your child’s email and texts to search for dangerous activities, plans, or people who may be negatively influencing your teen. You can remove any dangerous or inappropriate item and not return it–it is not stealing. No officer, no judge, no social worker would ever find you guilty. You would be praised instead.
“He was so mad at me when I found a bong in his room and took it.”
He said,”you’re stealing from me!”
“It’s my house and it’s not supposed to be here.”
“But it’s mine! I paid for it! It was really expensive! I’m reporting you for stealing!”
Also search other potential hiding places in your house or any other storage areas. If you find nothing unusual or dangerous on a search, great! You’ve at least satisfied your rightful need to know. Now, when you speak with your child about problems, you can set some fears aside and listen to him or her without bias.
Trust with a teenager is everything.
If your child finds out you’ve searched their room, yes, you will lose their trust, and he or she may go to greater lengths to keep secrets. So don’t tell them. And don’t bring up anything else you discovered if it’s not directly related to safety! What if you find stacks of incomplete homework? Forget it. Did you find food scraps in the bed? Forget it. A moldy sandwich in the closet? Don’t say anything that reveals you searched their room. As a responsible parent, safety and mental health trump lazy, messy behavior. Find other ways to address these.
In dire circumstances, a parent may need put some values aside.
What if you find something dangerous? Act on it immediately. Your child will feel violated and you’ll lose his or her trust, but it’s temporary. Do not defend your decision or try to rationalize it. It’s better to have uncovered a secret and opened the way for getting help. Now the tables have been turned on your child. Under serious circumstances, their trust of you is less important than your trust of them.