Category: parent rights

Your bullied child has legal rights to protection and safety

Your bullied child has legal rights to protection and safety

 

Edith Castro Roldán, Oscar Manuel Luna Nieto

Violence and Bullying at School

There was a time when bullying was not talked about or noticed.  Being bullied was explained away as a right-of-passage.  Finally, we hearing horror stories about bullied children, and speaking out as we remember our own awful experiences. The statistics are alarming.

According to the National Center for Education Statistics, during the 2013-14 school year 65% of public schools had recorded one or more violent bullying incidents. That year alone totaled about 757,000 incidents, which means there were about 15 crimes per 1,000 students during that school year alone. The schools record specific kinds of violent incidents and of those that occurred in 2013-14, 58% of public schools reported there had been at least one physical attack without a weapon or a fist fight. About 47% of the schools reported at least one threat of physical attack without a weapon.

The threat of violence in today’s schools is real.
Are you and your child prepared?

Now is the time to prepare yourself and your child for school violence and bullying. Know what steps you need to take and educate your child about the situations presented and how to respond to bullying or school violence. Remember, knowledge is essential in protecting your children and yourself from being a victim of school violence.  Parents and teachers have options for stopping bullying.

There are several kinds of bullying in today’s advanced world. While technology may be a great advancement, it also has its downfalls. While there was a time you may have thought of bullying as taking someone’s lunch money, calling them names, or pushing them around, there are many other kinds of bullying in our technologically advanced age.

What Happens at School Happens in Cyberspace

There are many kinds of bullying that can happen at school. While physical bullying, verbal bullying, and vandalism and theft still exist, cyberbullying has made the news in recent years. Using social media, the bully or bullies will maliciously harass a student. This can be done by making derogatory remarks, abusing and belittling another student, or posting photos that are unflattering or compromising.

There have been many reports of cyberbullying in the news recently. There have been many cases in which a cyberbullying victim has committed suicide or the bully was criminally charged. One of the more memorable cases involved a 13-year-old named Megan Meier who hanged herself after being bullied by someone she thought was a boy she befriended online.

It was later learned that the boy was actually a former female friend, her friend’s mother, and their employee. Criminal charges were filed against the mother, Lori Drew, and she was found guilty of three charges. Later she was acquitted by a U.S. District Judge. Since then, there have been several other cases.

The bully may also play the victim
so he or she can get by doing more harm.

Reactive bullies will continue to taunt, tease, push, or hit others until the victim strikes out so they can then present themselves as victims and place the blame on others. There are many kinds of school violence and there are many causes for today’s unpleasant and threatening atmosphere in school settings.

Causes of School Violence

  • Students have a greater access to weapons, such as guns and knives.
  • Cyberbullying is much more common because of Internet access, cell phones, and tablets. Social media’s popularity plays a major role as well.
  • The environmental impact and its role, such as school environment, the existence of gangs, school size, middle schools, the community environment, and the family environment. Putting your child or teen in a positive environment in the community and home can play a significant role in helping them to avoid the dangers of violence.

The Signs Your Child is Being Bullied

Edith Castro Roldán, Oscar Manuel Luna Nieto

Parents should always be on the look for signs that a child is being bullied. While you may like to believe that your child would openly tell you if he or she is being bullied, that is not the case. Most children are embarrassed or ashamed of being bullied even when it is not their fault. There are several things to watch for that may indicate your child is being picked on by others.

  • Unexplained injuries.
  • Destroyed or lost books, clothing, electronics, or jewelry.
  • Faking illness or complaining of headaches and stomach aches.
  • Changes in eating habits.
  • Frequent nightmares or difficulty sleeping.
  • Not wanting to go to school or declining grades.
  • Avoiding social situations or loss of friends.
  • Self-destructive behaviors or loss of self-esteem.

The Results of School Violence

Bullying and violence can cause all kinds of physical injuries as well as emotional damage. Students can suffer anything from cuts and bruises to broken bones to lost teeth and frighteningly, even gunshot wounds and death. Make sure you seek treatment for your child if he or she has been a victim of bullying.

Emotional damage can last for years
after the bullying has been put to a stop.

Kinds of Bullying

As previously mentioned, there are several kinds of bullying

  • Physical Bullying – hitting, punching, fist fights
  • Verbal Bullying – name calling, making fun of another, cursing
  • Reactive Bullying – picking on others to get a reaction and then playing the victim
  • Cyberbullying – done through social media or text message
  • Vandalism and Theft – damaging or stealing the property of others

Regardless of the kind of bullying that your child has suffered, you need to make sure he or she gets the help that is needed. Seek professional counseling or therapy to help him or her overcome the emotional and mental damage.

Why Don’t Children Ask for Help?

You have probably told your child to come to you with any problems, but when it comes to bullying most children don’t tell anyone. Bullying makes a child feel helpless and insecure. They may fear telling will make them look weaker or be viewed as a tattletale. There is also the fear of backlash from the bully and his or her friends.

Being bullied can be a humiliating experience.

Children probably don’t want adults to be made aware of what is being said about them because they may fear the adults may judge them or punish them, regardless of whether what is being said is true or not. Bullied children fear rejection of their peers as well, and they may already feel isolated and alone.

Eddie~S, Bully Free Zone, CC BY 2.0

Ways to Prevent Bullying

There are ways to prevent bullying. Some of the more effective approaches include:

  • Establish a safe climate at home, in the community, and at school.
  • Learn how to be more engaged in your children’s school life. Building a positive school climate is detrimental in preventing bullying.
  • Assess bullying at your child’s school and understand how your child’s school stands in comparison to national bullying rates.
  • Talk with your child about their concerns, and be direct. They may think that getting parents involved may worsen the bullying, so be sure to reassure them that you’re there to help the situation.
  • Avoid being misdirected in bullying prevention and response strategies. Focus on your child!
  • Learn about bullying so you know what it is and what it is not. While many behaviors may be just as serious a bullying, some may require different responses than how you respond to bullying.
  • Speak with your children about bullying, and how they can stop it. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, and exposing children to ways to address a bully in their life can be extremely effective. It also opens the doors of communication so that a child can feel comfortable discussing it.
  • Encourage your child to seek friends for help in opposing a bully – peer pressure can be effective in getting bullies to stop their behavior.

Being aware of the situation and the warning signs are essential in helping to prevent bullying. Be proactive so you can address bullying issues right away.

Your Child Has Rights!

No one wants their child to be a victim of bullying. There are several things you can do to help your child avoid bullying or bring an end to it. Here is some legal information you need to know, so if the situation does arise the proper action can be taken right away.

Schools have a duty of care. If the school breaches their duty of care, you may be able to get compensation for any therapy bills, medical or dental expenses, or reimbursement for any out-of-pocket costs resulting from the altercation.

By Andrevruas (Own work) via Wikimedia Commons

Teacher and administrator intervention. Teachers are required to do any reasonable action to protect their students’ welfare, health, and safety. Their legal responsibilities focus on three sources:

  • Common Law Duty of Care
  • Statutory Duty of Care
  • The Duty Arising from the Contract of Employment

If the teacher or administrator does not step in to stop the fight before it happens, or during the actual fight, then they can be sued for breaching their responsibilities for duty of care. Be familiar with the school’s protocol and policies as each state has different laws and regulations and each school has a different educational code. Educate yourself!

Understanding Parental Liability

Parents of bullies are criminally liable for negligence in not maintaining control of their children’s delinquent acts. Parental responsibility statutes indicate that parents are not held responsible for their children’s acts, but of inadequately controlling their children.

A lawsuit can only be filed against a government entity (school) in instances where there is actual negligence and not intentional misconduct. In order to sue the school system because your child was bullied, you will have to prove the school system’s negligence for not addressing the problem that they were made aware of previously.

There are some instances in which you cannot sue a public school. The Federal Tort Claims Act (28 U.S.C.§ 2674) explains how there are some instances in which a public school can’t be sued. As an example, you can’t sue because of a school system employee’s official misconduct, but there is a fine line between negligence and misconduct in some instances. To clarify the details, you should consult with an attorney.

Getting the Evidence for a Case

If your child has been injured in a violent act at school, you may have a case against the school system or the bully and his family. There are several steps to gathering evidence for a case:

  • Discovery, which includes deposition, interrogatories, request for admission, “subpoena duces tecum
  • Subpoena
  • Witness of the incident
  • Exhibits, such as evidence, records, reports, video, photographs
  • Damages – medical and dental bills, therapy costs, receipts

If your child has suffered school violence or bullying, you should consult with an attorney. School violence can cause personal injury that has lasting effects. Protect the rights of your child!

by the Outreach Team at Disability Benefits Help

 

Personal Injury Law
Free evaluation

 


Sources:

https://nces.ed.gov/fastfacts/display.asp?id=49
http://www.crf-usa.org/school-violence/causes-of-school-violence.html
http://www.stopbullying.gov/at-risk/warning-signs/#bullied
http://americanspcc.org/bullying/schools/?gclid=CjwKEAjwrIa9BRD5_dvqqazMrFESJACdv27GeJ3suQOZda0rHDRSliByF3x6VxHg3GFRGH798o0uqhoCPCPw_wcB
http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/suing-government-negligence-FTCA-29705.html
https://nobullying.com/six-unforgettable-cyber-bullying-cases/

How to help your troubled teen after they turn 18

How to help your troubled teen after they turn 18

Most young people aren’t ready for adulthood by 18 years of age, but your troubled teen is especially unprepared. By 18, their legal status instantly changes to “adult” and they are free to fail at life’s countless tests. Your hands are tied and you can’t keep your son or daughter safe from themselves any more.

Pace yourself for a marathon

Your job as parent is far from over.  Parenting an 18+ year-old will feel the same as when they were 17 years 11 months old.  They’ve been behind their peers for a long time–emotionally or socially or academically. You’ve done everything possible to get them ready for adulthood, but they simply aren’t!  For troubled teens, the teen years last into the mid-20’s or longer. And this is really scary; suicide rates across all age groups are highest for people aged 16-24.  It’s the period of greatest stress, whether the person is suicidal or not.

Many people with disorders aren’t able to take responsibility for themselves until about the age of 30.

Over the past 16 years, I’ve asked this question of people with mental health disorders and addictions, or I’ve asked their parents, siblings, children, or their friends:  “At what age did (you, your loved one, friend) make the conscious choice to take responsibility for treatment?  When did you/they get a stable job, or live on their own, associate with healthy people?  I asked dozens of people. Their answer? Every single one told me they or their loved one didn’t turn things around until they were between the ages of 30 – 33In my experience, you start to see signs of awareness that they need help in the late 20’s, with limited attempts to face their problem.

True story: a co-worker once shared about his bipolar disorder and years of substance abuse.  I would never had guessed that this stable, wise person had had a troubled past.  I asked when he turned his life around; it was 30.  I asked what motivated him.  He said, “I couldn’t avoid it anymore.  I ran out of excuses.  I just hit rock bottom too many times.”

Why does recovery take so long?

  1. Anosognosia “a deficit of self-awareness” caused by mental disorders.  They simply can’t tell they are different from anyone else, so they resist messages that they are.
  2. They get good at coping.  They squeak by, or use others, or depend on parents to rescue them.  They try to delay the inevitable scary thought that there really is something wrong with them.
  3. Their brain or emotional development is slower than normal people.  They may need an extra 10 years to go through the final maturation phase into the adult brain.

Because of their mental disability, a child over 18 needs better life management skills than their ‘normal’ peers because they have so much more to worry about.  Besides the usual adult responsibilities, they need self-discipline and self-monitoring for mental and emotional stability. They need to be continually alert to their states of mind–the same as someone who’s an insulin-dependent diabetic needs to continually check blood sugar.  They need to remember to take meds and stay in therapy.  They need to avoid or limit fun excesses their peers can get away with, e.g. parties with poor snacks and alcohol.  They must stick with a healthy diet, exercise, and investment in supportive friendships.  You know your child, all of this is hard for them!

How much to sacrifice and how much to let go?

Parents have a tendency to rescue their adult son or daughter when a crisis befalls because it’s so hard for the child to recover from set-backs.  But rescuing too much makes them more dependent on the parents (or adult siblings).  On the other hand, pressuring a troubled teen to be an “adult” when they are not ready push them to dependence on others who might make their life worse.  Pressure can motivate them to cope with drugs or alcohol, or take unnecessary risks, or give up.

True story:  I met a couple in their 70’s who’d rescued their troubled 34-year-old daughter her entire life, and faced cutting her off financially because they couldn’t afford it anymore. They were heartbroken to let her go, and painfully afraid she would become homeless or suicidal, and they deeply regretful they unwittingly undermined her capacity for independence.  Don’t let this happen to you.

You must transition away from “parent” to case manager, therapist, and mentor.

  • Case manager – This is the busy work.  You are the one to fill out forms, make appointments, provide transportation, ensure prescriptions are refilled and taken.  Follow-up on calls and emails regarding anything: banking, waivers, police reports, insurance, appointments, etc.
  • Therapist – This is actually easy if you can keep your thoughts to yourself.  You listen.  You acknowledge their feelings without rescuing them or smoothing over issues.  You ask probing questions so you can get data that will help you help them meet their needs.
  • Mentor – Start by building trust.  When they trust you they’ll listen, and when they listen you can teach them all the things they need to know to be independent (like the self-management skills in the paragraph above).  Mentoring also means setting boundaries and expecting better of them.

A major challenge is where they’ll live.

At home:  Can you bear the stress if they live with you? or if they leave your protection?  How do you help them move on?  If your troubled young adult child must live at home full or part-time, adjust your rules and expectations. Rules can include a requirement for ongoing mental health care. Your troubled child of 18 or more becomes your guest who stays at your invitation, or a renter who contributes to the household and follows the landlord’s rules.  On the other hand, you’ll need to step back and respect their privacy and acceptable choices and activities.  This may not be easy with someone 18–this means compromises and letting go of being the parent boss.

In an apartment on their own:  This is the preferred situation, but who will be ultimately responsible for rent and utilities?  Who can pay the deposit, usually the first and last month’s rent?  Should the manager/landlord know about their condition in case there are problems?  Problems include property damage, inappropriate visitors (drug users or sellers, couch-surfers, party animals), neighbor complaints.  In one parent’s case, both the local police and management company were notified and given both parents’ phone numbers.  It helped at first when there were complaints, but as the complaints and calls to the police continued, their child eventually evicted along with the others who camped out there.

With roommates or housemates:  I do not recommend this unless you are willing to move your child repeatedly.  Even if your child is not antagonistic–maybe withdrawn due to depression–it is very stressful for housemates.  Your frequent calls and visits for a check-in will also be stressful to them.  And what about these co-inhabitors?  Are they safe for your child to be around?  Will they victimize your child?

With a boyfriend or girlfriend: the same concerns apply as for housemates.  This living situation is only as stable as the partner.  Some couples stay in a parents’ basement.  This too is only as stable as the partner and the parents.  Consider that these living arrangements are temporary.  Good luck if they have shelter for a year.

In the eyes of the law, you are not responsible for them anymore.

You really aren’t.  In fact, you have the right to banish your 18 year-old from your home and change the locks on the doors.  Parents who do this are usually in fear for their physical and emotional safety–not because they don’t care.  If this describes you, it’s understandable and forgivable if you feel forced into this step.  But know this, things change.  Your adult child will change.  Banishment need not be forever.

At the age of 18, broad institutional supports kick in. (don’t you wish that were sooner?)

  • Once they turn 18, people with mental health problems are protected from discrimination in their job/housing/education by laws that protect all disabled.
  • Insurers are required to provide mental health care on par with all other treatments and services.
  • Adults over 18 are better supported by mental health organizations that offer support groups, referrals to safe housing or job opportunities, social connections with accepting peers, and legal and legislative advocacy.
  • Educational institutions have special departments solely for supporting students with disabilities, and that includes troubled young adults.

This 4 things are what your troubled teen needs to function after 18. They are based on long-term monitoring of 1000’s of others in their 40’s and 50’s with mental health challenges who did well in life:

  1. Ongoing support from family, friends, and institutions

  2. A job or continuing education

  3. Ongoing mental health care

  4. A safe living situation


Adjust your expectations for how quickly they’ll progress.

Parents of any ‘normal’ 18 year old also revise their relationship with them, becoming a mentor and peer rather than a parent.  What’s going to be tricky for you is avoiding a default role as ‘parent’–watch out for this!  What young adult wants their parents telling them how to live their lives (even if you’re right)?  If you want their trust–which you do–dial back your ‘parenting’ and remove the power differential it implies.

Keep up regular communications with your child even if they resist.  Do everything you can to build a and maintain a relationship even if it’s difficult.  If not with you, than with another mature adult who can mentor them.

–Margaret

Please comment.  Your thoughts and experiences help others who read this article.


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Your rights as the parent of a teen with a mental disorder

Your rights as the parent of a teen with a mental disorder

Parents have more rights than they think.

In a previous blog article on the subject of parents rights, I described how parents can be shocked to learn that their troubled teenager has the right to refuse treatment, Balancing teen rights with parent rights when the teen has a mental disorder.

What if your teen refuses treatment?  They get worse. Over months and years, if your child experiences serious symptoms of the disorder, such as schizophrenia, depression, or bipolar disorder, their brain loses cognitive function just as in Alzheimer’s disease.  Breaks in treatment means loss of brain function, and they become more vulnerable to multiple hospitalizations.  A troubled teenager can refuse treatment for any reason, and explaining the mental health risks to a person clouded by anxiety, depression, mania, or paranoia goes nowhere.

If a teenager had any other illness besides a behavioral disorder, refusing or withholding treatment would be considered child abuse and grounds for removing the child from the home.

Laws in many countries err on the side of protecting a person’s civil rights, but a teenager is not ready to take the responsibility that goes with these rights.(An excellent website on pertaining to Special Education Law is Wrightslaw. Click on “Topics from A to Z.”)

What if you’re teen becomes involved in crime?

  • For safety and health reasons, you have the right to search your teen’s room and remove or lock-up risky items like drugs, weapons, razors, pornography, or anything negatively affecting health. Be careful: this can destroy trust if done inappropriately. Inform your teen only if you find and remove unsafe items but otherwise leave everything else alone!
  • You can set any curfew time you think appropriate, and you do not have to adhere to curfew times used by law enforcement. Suggestion: compare with other parents’ curfews. Your teen will more likely follow rules that his or her peers follow.
  • You can monitor everything in your home, and on your computer and phone. You can limit cell phone services, and get GPS tracking on the phone and in the car. Prevention is more effective if your teen is informed about this, and it prevents others from taking advantage of your child, too.
  • You can report your concerns to anyone: teachers, other parents, and the local police precinct.
  • You can search for your child by calling other parents or businesses, or visiting their friends’ homes, or searching public places where your child might be.
  • You can and should call the police if your child runs away, or if your child is being harbored by someone who wants to ‘protect’ them. It is illegal to harbor runaways and those who do are subject to criminal charges.
  • You can and should notify anyone who encourages your teen to run away or who takes your teen with them without your permission, that this is custodial interference and subject to criminal charges.

What if your child’s mental health provider doesn’t share information you should know as the parent?

“Communication between providers and family members needs to be recognized as a clinical best practice.”*

  • You have the right to contact any mental health professional directly, and provide information relevant to your child, your family (e.g. marital conflict), and your family’s needs (e.g. bullied siblings). The professional can legally receive and document this information, but may not be able to discuss it with you.
  • You have the right to communicate freely and openly with a practitioner or teacher about anything you both already know—no confidentiality exists.
  • You have the right to schedule your own appointment with a professional without your teenager, and ask for information about how to get help for yourself and your family, and what kinds of help you may need.
  • You have the right to information about your child’s diagnosis and behavioral expectations, the course of your child’s treatment, and how you should interact with your child at home.
  • You have the right to a second opinion. And you have the right to change treatment or refuse treatment based on that second opinion.
  • You have to right to participate fully in medical decisions about your child. For example, you have the right to ask a doctor to stop or change medication or treatment that is creating behavior problems or side effects, which harm your ability to manage your teen.
  • You have the right to “information about the treatment plan, the safety plan, and progress toward goals of treatment.” *

What if your child’s provider claims they must keep all information confidential to protect patient privacy?

“While confidentiality is a fundamental component of a therapeutic relationship, it is not an absolute.”*

“Medical professionals can talk freely to family and friends, unless the patient objects after being notified of the intended communication. No signed authorization is necessary.”

–Susan McAndrew, Deputy Director of Health Information Privacy, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services

Teachers and mental health professionals have leeway with confidentiality.  Professionals often misunderstand the Health Information Privacy and Accountability Act (HIPAA), which defines what must be kept confidential. Many also misunderstand the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act (FERPA) and state laws that govern confidentiality, so they tend to err on the side of confidentiality. However, the American Psychiatric Association states:

“Disclosures can sometimes be justified on the grounds that they are necessary to protect the patient. For instance, it is generally acceptable for a psychiatrist to warn a patient’s family or roommate when the patient is very depressed and has voiced suicidal thoughts”* or plans to harm others.

Professionals should provide explicit information about safety concerns: such as the warning signs of suicide; the need to adhere to medication and other treatment; an explanation of how your teen’s disorder can impair judgment; an explanation of reasons the teen must avoid substances like alcohol and drugs (including some over-the-counter drugs); and the need to remove the means for suicide, especially firearms, sharp objects, matches, chemicals, etc.

How doctors and therapists manage confidentiality

Their basic philosophy is to do what is in the best interest of their patient. For example, if the teen is in an abusive family situation or seeking care only on the condition of confidentiality, their privacy will be protected. “The default position is to maintain confidentiality unless the patient gives consent… However, [family members or friends] may need to be contacted to furnish historical information…” If the practitioner determines that the teen is (or is likely to become) harmful to himself or herself or to others, and will not consent, then they are… “justified in breaking confidentiality to the extent needed to address the safety of the patient and others.
–The American Medical Association, 2001, “The Principles of Medical Ethics With Annotations Especially Applicable to Psychiatry.”

A good professional will be honest with your teen, and tell them that they will communicate with parents based on what they already know. They will also tell your child that suicide or violence risk will always be communicated to you and/or an emergency medical service. From everyone’s perspective “It is always better to defend an inappropriate disclosure than to defend a failure to disclose with bad outcome (e.g. injury or death).”

Giving a teenager with behavioral problems the rights to make critical medical decisions is too risky!

I hope that families and mental health advocates can someday agree on how to maintain civil rights without letting a person control their future when they are not in their right mind. Until then, work with the system as best you can. I find that teachers and practitioners do their best to help families despite the restrictive civil rights and confidentiality mandates.  Good luck.

 

* Reference“The Clinician Should Maintain a Confidential Relationship With the Child or Adolescent While Developing Collaborative Relationships With Parents, Medical Providers, Other Mental Health Professionals, and Appropriate School Personnel,” developed by Jerry Gabay JD and Stewart S. Newman MD. The authors would like to acknowledge the support of the Oregon Council of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry for their support of this effort.

The 12 Commandments for Parents of Children with Behavioral Disorders

The 12 Commandments for Parents of Children with Behavioral Disorders

Parents!  Want to know how to make it?  These commandments were written for parents with children with serious (physical) disabilities, but they apply to you too.

  1. Thou art thy child’s best and most consistent advocate.
  2. Thou hast valuable information about your child. Professionals need your input.
  3. Thou shalt put it in writing and keep a copy.
  4. Thou shalt not hesitate to contact a higher authority if you can’t get the help you need.
  5. Thou shalt keep records.
  6. Thou shalt seek out information on your child’s condition.
  7. Thou shalt have permission to be less than perfect.
  8. Thou shalt not become a martyr, thus, thou shalt take a break now and then.
  9. Thou shalt maintain a sense of humor.
  10. Thou shalt always remember to tell people when they are doing a good job.
  11. Thou shalt encourage thy child to make decisions, because one day, he or she will need to do so on their own.
  12. Thou shalt love thy child, even when they don’t seem lovable.

– – – – – – – This is a revised version of “The 12 Commandments…” published by the Pacer Center (Parent Advocacy Coalition for Educational Rights) for children with physical and medical disabilities. www.pacer.org.

Balancing teen rights vs parent rights when the teen has a mental disorder

Balancing teen rights vs parent rights when the teen has a mental disorder

 If you’re a parent of a troubled teen, how much decision-making power should your child have?

How can your teenager possibly make decisions for themselves if they’re brains aren’t functioning normally?  Maybe they hate you, or they say and do crazy things.  You want to guide them with incentives and consequences, but these haven’t worked.  You’re traumatized by their unstable behavior and it affects your thinking.  Perhaps you get stuck in a power struggle, or you give up power because asserting your authority just puts gasoline on their fire.  You know they can make good on serious threats, such as running or causing serious personal or material damage.  Or they may completely fall apart.

Many parents worry because their teen seems to have too many rights for their own good.

Problem – A teen’s statements to treatment providers are completely confidential after age 14.  Privacy is important, and the therapist needs the young person’s trust to help them with therapy, but some information could be shared with parents on a case-by-case, “need to know” basis.  A parent should be able to partner with the therapist, so they can structure interactions at home that support therapeutic goals.  For example, if the teen talks about dangerous activities with a best friend that the parent doesn’t know about, I think the parent could be coached to appropriately reduce contact with this friend or defuse the dangerous influence they have over the teen.  If a therapist can’t reveal this much, can’t they at least tell a parent what to watch for, what to set boundaries on?  How to respond?

Problem – A teenager has the right to refuse medication or therapy at age 14 (in practice, most providers are reluctant to force treatment at any age).  But if their refusal leads to a serious crisis, I know from experience that most parents have no option but calling 911 or using force to keep themselves and others safe.  Yet force undermines the parent-child relationship, and has led to undeserved charges of child abuse.

Problem – A young person can refuse school attendance even when there are consequences, and the parent can be held liable for neglect.  This is of special concern to a parent who risks losing custody to the state or to a vindictive ex.

Problem – A teenager can commit a crime and their parent(s) can lose custody for being negligent.  Sometimes crime is the only way for a young person to get the help they need, but sometimes this means they descend, step-by-step, into a justice system that presumes bad parents create bad kids.

Parents of troubled teens need greater control over their situation and abundant support to prevent loss to the Black Hole of their child’s disability.   The emotional, physical, and financial costs to family members are too high.  If a parent’s authority is undermined when others blame them for their child’s behavior, and an education and health care system focus only on the child’s needs, the parent rights are being trampled.

What about a Parent Bill of Rights?

  1. Parents and families have a right to personal safety including the safety of pets, and the right to protect themselves, their belongings, and personal space.
  2. Parents have a right to ensure and sustain their financial, social, and job stability, even if it means periodically putting aside the teen’s needs.
  3. They have the authority to create house rules based on respect, safety, and shared responsibility.
  4. And they have the right to enforce   and expect them to be followed.
  5. Parents and families members have the right to be human and make mistakes.
  6. Parents and families have the right to take time out for their own wellbeing and self-care.

Teens have rights too, which should be respected

The youth, because of their disability, has a right to make progress at their own pace, and choose their own path of learning.  They also have the right to reasonable family accommodations because of their different needs.  Like any human being, especially one’s child, they have the right to respect and support regardless of inconvenience.  They also have the right to negotiate for what they want, and to expect earnest efforts towards compromise.  The last, and this is very important, they have the right to choose incentives and consequences that work best for them.

You know your teen will reach adulthood and independence whether they are ready or not.  They will do what they want, perhaps suffer serious consequences, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.  So do something about it now.

Teenagers today want two things.  Allow as much as appropriate:

  1. Freedom
  2. A say in what happens to them

Look at the future from their perspective. Young people in the mental health system face life needs and challenges different from peers. They often don’t reach 18 without experiencing significant setbacks due to their disorders.  They have missed opportunities for the education and life skills needed for adulthood, and lack of youthful achievements that boost confidence and self-esteem. Teens and young adults with disorders may have to manage these the rest of their lives!  Once age 18 is reached, supports they’ve depended on are abruptly dropped.  They are exported to an adult system where they must start from scratch to establish a new support network that will assist them towards an independent life.  Your job is to change from parent to mentor as these new supports are developed.

What are parent responsibilities?

Acceptance:  this is the nature of your child and it’s OK.  They will still be part of the family and get your support.  Your child would function better if they could.

Positive attitude:  yours is not a lost child, there are resources out there to help them, and you really do have the energy to find and use these resources.

Realistic expectations:  brain disorders are termed “disabilities” for a reason.  You cannot expect their lives to unfold like yours did, or even like others their age.  They will redefine what progress means for them.

Support without strings attached:  your teen doesn’t owe you for the life you’ve given them, nor must they pay you back for your extra sacrifices.

Take good care of yourself so you can handle your situation.

Access and use information on the disorder and it’s treatment regime.

Learn and practice an entirely different approach to parenting.

What about youth responsibilities?

My previous post, “Youth with mental disorders demand rights!” presents a document created by members or Youth M.O.V.E (Motivating Others through Voices of Experience), a peer-to-peer organization for teens and young adults http://youthmove.us.  I have a suggestion for M.O.V.E.:  consider developing a youth Responsibilities document.  I believe a majority of troubled young people are capable of being accountable when they have the right support and treatment.

The following list is a good place to look for other ideas.  It was developed by adult mental health consumers (part of this list has been de-emphasized because it does not yet apply to youth).  Everyone, regardless of their medical and mental health situation, should do what they can to take responsibility for their health treatment.

Adult responsibilities that could be applied to youth and young adults:

“In a health care system that protects consumers’ rights, it is reasonable to expect consumers to assume reasonable responsibilities. Greater involvement in their health increases the likelihood of recovery. Responsibilities include:

  1. Take responsibility for maximizing healthy habits, such as exercising, not smoking, and eating a healthy diet.
  2. Become involved in specific health care decisions.
  3. Work collaboratively with health care providers (teachers, parents) in developing and carrying out agreed-upon treatment plans.
  4. Disclose relevant information and clearly communicate wants and needs.
  5. Show respect for other patients and health workers (students, coworkers, neighbors, siblings).
  6. Use the health plan’s internal complaint and appeal processes to address concerns that may arise.
  7. Recognize the reality of risks and limits of the science of medical care and the human fallibility of the health care professional.
  8. Be aware of a health care provider’s obligation to be reasonably efficient and equitable in providing care to other patients and the community.
  9. Become knowledgeable about your health plan coverage and health plan options (when available) including all covered benefits, limitations, and exclusions, rules regarding use of network providers, coverage and referral rules, appropriate processes to secure additional information, and the process to appeal coverage decisions.
  10. Make a good-faith effort to meet financial obligations.
  11. Abide by administrative and operational procedures of health plans, health care providers, and Government health benefit programs.
  12. Report wrongdoing and fraud to appropriate resources or legal authorities.”

 


For Fathers Who Raise Troubled Kids

For Fathers Who Raise Troubled Kids

Fathers are critical to a troubled child’s wellbeing.  Yet in my experience, they aren’t as present in support groups or meetings set-up for a child’s care.  It’s not that they don’t care; they need a different kind of support.

Every year, I attend conferences around the nation that focus on the families, children, and policies associated with children’s mental health.  The majority in attendance are women.  I was a social worker in children’s mental health for 5 years, and a parent advocate for insurance parity in my state.  In every meeting I attended were lots of mothers and female social workers, and one father.  Parents who attend my family support group are also mostly woman:  bio mothers, adoptive mothers, girlfriends, stepmothers, grandmothers, aunts, and sisters involved in caring for a troubled child.  I always encourage moms to bring in the dad, stepdad, eldest son, brother, boyfriend… any male who’s important in the child’s life, and some are able to convince them to attend at least once, and it always seems to help.  I’ll call them all “dads” here,

We need the men.  I know they are out there.  I know they are engaged in raising a troubled child and perhaps alone with their concerns.

At a national “Building on Family Strengths” conference in Portland, Oregon, was a presentation on the subject of dads helping dads.  It was the first time I attended a seminar where mostly men attended.  I asked the panel, founders of Washington Dads, www.wadads.org, “why hasn’t there been a gathering like this before?”  Apparently, panel members tried to find help and it wasn’t there, so they started a support organization for themselves.  They believe it’s the only one like it in the nation.

“We’ve been down on our knees in pain for our kids…”

The messages – One panel member said men feel they are supposed to fix the problem, but since they can’t  they feel like failures.  Another said that “dads are often not the main caregivers, and perhaps they lack experience,” and after trying what they think will work, are at a loss when it doesn’t.  Another, “we want a quick fix, but a clear concrete fix will do… we want to know how to problem solve.”  That’s a big one, men fix things, they want to get together and hash out solutions.  “Men talk solutions right away instead of talking through emotions.”  They said men like rules or instructions such as Collaborative Problem Solving techniques, the use of technology, and concrete, measurable plans such as IEPs. (Here is another story about a father who wants to fix his daughters illness.)

In general, moms tend to feel guilty, but dads tend to be resentful or feel like failures:

  • Their family’s problems are right out there in public
  • Mom is too lenient and easily gives in to the child.
  • The child gets all the attention; other family members are neglected.
  • Quality relationships with all family members are lost.

According to the dads’ panel in the seminar, sad’s emotions are there but expressed very differently.  “Some men need to vent aggressively… blow a gasket, but only other men are OK with this.”  Some want to reveal things to each other they wouldn’t share with their wife or partner; “men need to bond without women present” and with personal face-to-face contact.  Men tend to have custody issues too, and often face challenges to their rights to visit their children or maintain relationships with them.

Gentlemen, trust me, moms want you to have support that works for you.

Can you help me out?  I’d like to find other articles about issues fathers face:

  • custody of the children
  • disagreements with mom
  • their influence on treatment, or placement, or educational issues
  • their need for social support with other men

 

– – – – – – – – – – – –

Research on the very positive influences of fathers

Devoted dad key to reducing risky teen behavior – Moms help, but an involved father has twice the influence, new study finds  [EXCERPT],  By Linda Carroll, June 5, 2009

Teenagers whose fathers are more involved in their lives are less likely to engage in risky sexual activities such as unprotected intercourse, according to a new study.  The more attentive the dad — and the more he knows about his teenage child’s friends — the bigger the impact on the teen’s sexual behavior, the researchers found.  While an involved mother can also help stave off a teen’s activity, dads have twice the influence.

“Maybe there’s something different about the way fathers and adolescents interact,” said the study’s lead author Rebekah Levine Coley, an associate professor at Boston College. “It could be because it’s less expected for fathers to be so involved, so it packs more punch when they are.”

Dad’s positive effect
Parental knowledge of a teen’s friends and activities was rated on a five point scale.  When it came to the dads, each point higher in parental knowledge translated into a 7 percent lower rate of sexual activity in the teen.  For the moms, one point higher in knowledge translated to only a 3 percent lower rate.  The impact of family time overall was even more striking. One additional family activity per week predicted a 9 percent drop in sexual activity.

Child development experts said the study was carefully done and important. “It’s praiseworthy by any measure,” said Alan E. Kazdin, a professor of psychology and child psychiatry at Yale University.

Why would dads have a more powerful influence?

“Dads vary markedly in their roles as caretakers from not there at all to really helping moms,” Kazdin said. “The greater impact of dads might be that moms are more of a constant and when dads are there their impact is magnified.”  Also, Kazdin said “when dads are involved with families, the stress on the mom is usually reduced because of the diffusion of child-rearing or the support for the mom.”

In other words, dad’s positive effect on mom makes life better for the child, Kazdin explains.

The study underscores the importance of parental engagement overall, said Patrick Tolan, a professor of psychiatry and director of the Institute for Juvenile Research at the University of Illinois in Chicago.  “For one thing, the more time you spend with them, they’re going to get your values and they’re more likely to think things through rather than acting impulsively.”

Coley hopes that the study will encourage both moms and dads to keep trying to connect with their teenage children, even as their kids are pushing them away.  “…it’s normal for teens to want to pull away from the family, [but] that doesn’t mean they don’t want to engage at all,”

Linda Carroll is a health and science writer living in New Jersey. Her work has appeared in The New York Times, Newsday, Health magazine and SmartMoney.

– – – – – – –

The Father-Daughter Relationship During the Teen Years – Ways to strengthen the bond  [EXCERPT],  by Linda Nielsen

According to recent research and my own 30 years of experience as a psychologist, most fathers and teenage daughters never get to know one another as well, or spend as much time together, or talk as comfortably to one another, as mothers and daughters.  Why is this bad news?  Because a father has as much or more impact as a mother does on their daughter’s school achievement, future job and income, relationships with men, self-confidence, and mental health.

When I ask young adult daughters why they aren’t as comfortable sharing personal things or getting to know their fathers as they are with their mothers, most make negative comments about men.

  • “Because he’s a man, he doesn’t want to talk about serious or personal things.”
  • “Because men aren’t capable of being as sensitive or as understanding as women.”
  • “Because fathers aren’t interested in getting to know their daughters very well.”

If a daughter grows up with these kinds of negative assumptions about fathers, she will not give her father the same opportunities she gives her mother to develop a comfortable, meaningful relationship. As parents, we strengthen father-daughter relationships by teaching our daughters how to give their fathers the opportunities to be understanding, communicative and personal.

Creating more father-daughter time alone – Regardless of a daughter’s age, the most important thing we can do is to make sure fathers and daughters spend more time alone with one another.  Since most fathers and daughters haven’t spent much time together without other people around, they might feel a little uncomfortable at first.  If so, they can start by taking turns participating in activities that each enjoys.  One idea:  The father could choose 15 or 20 of his favorite photographs from various times of his life — as a little boy, a teenager or a young man — and then use the pictures to tell his daughter stories about his life.  The key to the success of this father-daughter time is that they alone are sharing this experience.

Staying involved during dad’s absence – Teenage daughters and fathers can strengthen their relationship during dad’s absence through e-mails, letters, pictures and a touch of silliness.  Before dad departs, for one example, father and daughter can talk about how much their relationship means to each of them and agree to write or e-mail at least twice a week.

Linda Nielsen is a psychology professor at Wake Forest University in Winston-Salem, N.C. Her most recent book is Embracing your Father: How to Create the Relationship You Always Wanted With Your Dad. For more information on father-daughter relationships visit www.wfu.edu/~nielsen/.

– – – – – – – – – –

Early Father Involvement Moderates Biobehavioral Susceptibility to Mental Health Problems in Middle Childhood

Boyce, W. Thomas; Essex, Marilyn J.; Alkon, Abbey; Goldsmith, H. Hill; Kraemer, Helena C.; Kupfer, David J.;  Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, v45 n12 p1510-1520 Dec 2006

[my summary in everyday English:  When fathers are engaged in nurturing and parenting a child from infancy, the child develops healthy responses to social situations when they reach the middle childhood years ~age 9.  The father’s engagement actually improves brain function on the emotional level and reduces activity in the stress area of the brain.  If a father is not involved, the child is at a high risk of behavioral problems.  Also, if a mother is depressed in their child’s early years, the child is at an ever higher risk of behavioral problems.]

When is it OK to search a teen’s room?

When is it OK to search a teen’s room?

“My son is always in his room and gets extremely upset if I go in there. He says he has a right to privacy, but I suspect something bad is going on, and want to search his room when he’s not there. Would I be violating his rights? It is OK to search his room?
–Mother of 15-year-old boy

I’ve gotten asked this question many times. The answer is “Yes” in the following circumstances:

  • Your child’s behavior has been changing recently, or they have become more secretive, irritable, or defiant than usual
  • He or she has left old friends for new ones whom you are concerned about, or has fewer and fewer friends
  • His or her grades have fallen recently even though they were formerly a good student
  • You sense that he or she is depressed or overly anxious or paranoid
  • Your child pressures you for money, or steals it from you, or finds ways to get money
  • You’ve tried talking with your child about general things in life, school, or feelings, and were met with anger or excuses or deflection.

If there is any concern that something that can be dangerous is being hidden from you:  search your child’s room.

When a young person gets very upset about invading their privacy, they likely are hiding something from you because they know you’ll disapprove. What could it be? Drug or alcohol use? An inappropriate relationship? Porn? Cutting or self harm? Severe depression? The onset of paranoid psychosis?

You have ample legal rights as a parent, but use them wisely and cautiously.*

If something is going wrong with your child and they need your help, you must do a balancing act: 1) get the facts; 2) maintain their trust and keep open lines of communication. Some of the dangerous activities above are common for ‘normal’ difficult teenagers, who can grow out of it or be rehabilitated with treatment and ample family support. Some of these are emergent mental illnesses that need treatment immediately. Why immediately? The sooner the child gets treatment at early onset, the less likely their disorder will develop into serious symptoms as an adult. Mental illnesses are degenerative to the brain, but you can stop it from going further if you start treatment early.

*”Your rights as the parent of a teen with a mental disorder.”

You can search through all their items for things that are or may lead to unsafe behavior. Things you might look for are razor blades, illicit drugs or drug paraphernalia, over-the-counter drugs or drugs that can’t be purchased under the age of 21 (e.g. Benadryl), pseudo-drugs like bags of incense powder, weapons (knives, guns), porn, sexual items, blood on clothes from cutting, etc. You can read your child’s email and texts to search for dangerous activities, plans, or people who may be negatively influencing your teen. You can remove any dangerous or inappropriate item and not return it–it is not stealing. No officer, no judge, no social worker would ever find you guilty. You would be praised instead.

“He was so mad at me when I found a bong in his room and took it.”

He said,”you’re stealing from me!”

“It’s my house and it’s not supposed to be here.”

“But it’s mine! I paid for it! It was really expensive! I’m reporting you for stealing!”

Also search other potential hiding places in your house or any other storage areas. If you find nothing unusual or dangerous on a search, great! You’ve at least satisfied your rightful need to know. Now, when you speak with your child about problems, you can set some fears aside and listen to him or her without bias.

Trust with a teenager is everything.

If your child finds out you’ve searched their room, yes, you will lose their trust, and he or she may go to greater lengths to keep secrets. So don’t tell them. And don’t bring up anything else you discovered if it’s not directly related to safety! What if you find stacks of incomplete homework? Forget it. Did you find food scraps in the bed? Forget it. A moldy sandwich in the closet? Don’t say anything that reveals you searched their room. As a responsible parent, safety and mental health trump lazy, messy behavior. Find other ways to address these.

In dire circumstances, a parent may need put some values aside.

What if you find something dangerous? Act on it immediately. Your child will feel violated and you’ll lose his or her trust, but it’s temporary. Do not defend your decision or try to rationalize it. It’s better to have uncovered a secret and opened the way for getting help. Now the tables have been turned on your child. Under serious circumstances, their trust of you is less important than your trust of them.

 

Good luck.