Tag: bullying

The Silent Suffering of Parent Abuse When Children Abuse Parents

The Silent Suffering of Parent Abuse When Children Abuse Parents

Parent abuse is real and serious.

This [edited] article is by Alicia Bradley, LCPC, who lives in the United Kingdom.  It is excellent and covers a serious and hidden subject that’s rarely addressed.  “How many people have heard of parent abuse? especially at the hands of teenage children with serious social and violence issues? Google it. You won’t find much, except on a few support sites.  Parent abuse is a form of domestic violence that results in physical harm, damage to property, job loss, PTSD, and family breakdown.”


What Is Parent Abuse?

We have all heard of child abuse and how children are damaged by this terrible behavior, and you only have to Google “child abuse” to find page after page of information, support groups, and advice on this subject, but, how many people have heard of parent abuse? especially at the hands of teenage children with serious social interaction and violence issues? Google it. You won’t find much, except on a few support sites.

screaming teenager

Parent abuse occurs when the child commits an act or acts against the parent through manipulation, control, and intimidation in order to exert control and have power over the parent. Parent abuse can take different forms, from physical, emotional, verbal, to financial abuse.  According to Barbara Cottrell in the book When Teens Abuse Their Parents, parent abuse can be defined as “any harmful act of a teenage child intended to gain power and control over a parent.” (It should be noted that children of any age (pre-teen or adult) can commit parent abuse, not just teenagers.)

For parents and families who share their home with abusive young people, there is virtually no support or protection. In both the UK and the US, the law is on the side of the child, not the parent.  Parents seeking help will instead get inappropriate advice or blame.  The parent is always under suspicion so they keep it secret.  “Domestic violence feeds on silence.”

Signs of Parent Abuse by a Teenager

crying motherParent abuse is a form of domestic violence that results in physical harm, damage to property, job loss, PTSD, and family breakdown. It is usually perpetrated by a child in their teens who displays the following behaviors towards parent(s) and members of their family.  Signs include:

  • Threats of and/or physical violence including hitting, punching, kicking, pushing, slapping, biting, hair pulling with or without weapons or objects.
  • Screaming, swearing, and name calling
  • Intimidation
  • A constant refusal to do what has been asked (going to bed, coming home, asking friends to leave, cleaning up after themselves, not attending school/college/work), or contribute to the household, or participate in normal family activities.
  • Bullying by text or phone
  • Stealing money or property or misuse of parents credit cards/phones/computers
  • Deliberate damaging of property
  • Threats of or actual violence to pets or other children of the household as a way of intimidation
  • Emotional blackmail, such as threatening to accuse the parents of abusing them, or actually doing so
  • Drug/alcohol abuse in the home
  • Belittling parents in front of friends/other family members/public.
  • Willful drug abuse in front of family/friends
  • Other illegal activity

This abuse often occurs at school too, where students abuse their teachers and other students.  It occurs in other relationships too, when a teen abuses or bullies another adult or acquaintance.

beaten mother

Those suffering from parent abuse have experienced physical harm resulting in medical or mental health treatment or even  death; there’s damage to property, theft, or bullying other family members.  Quite often, the child who is abusing the parent does it willfully and for enjoyment.  The ability for empathy and compassion may be not well-developed they impacted by  mental disorders or psychological disturbances.

The law is almost always on the child’s side, but there is little to protect parents from children who abuse their parents. In the UK and US, you as a parent are legally responsible for that child.  There aren’t social services or legal protections for parents unless the child has a long history of repeated offenses of violence involving the police that has been reported and documented.  Schools often expel teenagers with behavioral issues, but for the parent… now what?  Expulsion protects the public but the parent is still very much at risk.

teen bullyParent abuse is not restricted to certain social groups; it can affect single and two-parent families equally. It is usually the mother or the primary caregiver who is targeted, but other children in the family and fathers suffer too.

What Causes Teens to Abuse Their Parents?

It is difficult for parents to recognize they are being abused, or admit they are being abused.  Most blame themselves and are therefore reluctant to seek help.  Yet many people (most?) consider parent abuse to be the result of bad parenting, neglect, or the child suffering abuse themselves. However, many teen abusers have had a normal upbringing and have not suffered from these issues.  Other factors contribute to children abusing their parents, such as undiagnosed mental illness.  Additionally, if the child sees domestic abuse happen in the household, they will be more likely to continue such behaviors.  Parent victims of domestic violence are often re-victimized by their own children.

Psychological Effects of Parent Abuse

girl hittingParents who are exposed to abuse from their child are affected in many ways, with many psychological issues as a result of the abuse. They can lose their ability to control the household and protect everyone else—all family members are victimized just like in any situation with domestic violence between adults.  They develop PTSD, depression, and suffer from lack of sleep and constant fear anxiety.

Giving into the child’s demands and abusive tactics can,
paradoxically, be easier to handle than the severe backlash
they’ll face by standing up for themselves.

10 Steps for Dealing With an Abusive Child

Do not allow yourself to suffer in silence; confront this problem for everyone’s sake, including your abusive teen.  You have little choice but to take back control!  Do not give your power away any more; you really can put a stop to abuse.

  1. If you are suffering from parent abuse, you must recognize that you are not at fault and do not deserve this, as with any form of abuse. Speak to a friend, or contact a domestic violence support group. Seek professional help.
  2. Calmly confront the child about their behavior and tell them you will not tolerate it anymore. Explain that what they are doing is abuse (and brace yourself ahead of time because their backlash could be fierce). You will have to communicate this many times so that they will eventually hear you.  It doesn’t mean they’ll have any intention of stopping, but it prepares them to expect what you’re about to do next.
  3. Remove all privileges, rights to cell phones, computers, video games, money, etc. and refuse to be a taxi service. Set boundaries and punishments and enforce them.  Be careful, if the child makes homicidal threats don’t hesitate to call the police and get them to an emergency room for a psychiatric evaluation!  Remember the definition of a mental health emergency: the person is “a danger to themselves or others.”
  4. If your teen runs, report them to the police immediately, and report anyone who is harboring your runaway. (Anyone who protects runaways from parents is guilty of the crime of custodial interference.)  Sometimes police intervention is enough of a wake-up call for your teenager and reduces the severity of abuse or leads to stopping it.
  5. abusive son in courtIf you feel that you can still communicate with your child, seek mediation with a counselor or other professional, and explain that you will not tolerate this behavior in the session. You want someone else to hear this.  Lay down some ground rules.  Take a hard stance and tell your child that if you are hit again, you will call the police and have them arrested. Don’t call their bluff, do it. They need to see that you mean business. If your child physically harms you, steals from you, or damages property, involve the police immediately and PRESS CHARGES!  Sometimes getting law enforcement and the juvenile justice system involved is the only way to get professional help for abusive teenagers.
  6. Try not to retaliate by hitting back unless in absolute self-defense, and disarm them if they come at you with a weapon. Abusive teens have called the police themselves, or other sympathetic adults, to report you have hit or abused them, and the law will come down on their side first. You can be prosecuted for hitting your child, and your child can be removed from your care as can any other children in your household. Don’t be reluctant and call the police immediately (!), get it on record.
  7. Get help and support from other parents who understand and will support you without judgment.
    a—In the UK contact Parentline Plus, an organization dedicated to helping parents. They can be reached at 0808 800 2222. Visit their website and look on the message boards for help and support groups in your area. They often run groups which offer practical support and tips for parenting difficult teens.
    b—In the US you can call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).  Also look for a StandUp Parenting support group in your area.  Their website is standupparenting.org/.
  8. Approach your child’s school and have your child referred to children’s mental health services, or refer them yourself, informing them that you are suffering parent abuse.
  9. Keep a journal of events, with dates, times, etc., or a video diary, and film your child when they are abusing you (you can use your mobile phone or digital camera). Often, when faced with media of their own behavior, it can shock them into accepting help from professionals.  (I’ve personally seen videos work very, very well –Margaret)
  10. You cannot do this alone!  Involve others who will help you.  Seek help from extended family and friends to see if they can offer to give you respite by taking the child from you for a few days.  Get therapy for yourself and your family.  You are all paralyzed by suffering–it’s serious and can affect all of you for years.

If you’re a victim of abuse by your child, take Ms. Bradley’s advice and take action.  –Margaret

Resolving Parent Abuse

furious boyHopefully, you found some strategies in this article to help you deal with abuse from your children. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and there are solutions that can stop the violence from continuing. Stay strong and be vigilant and plan ahead for self-protection. If you love your child, love yourself. They need you to be OK.

Be strong.  Be courageous.  You can do this.

Note from blog owner:  I made edits for length or clarification, and added additional information.  This is a link to the original published article by Alicia Bradley LCPC.
—Margaret


Do you have a story of abuse?  Do you have questions or need support from others?  Add your comments.  Other parents out there know what it’s like, and they care.

Bullying and how to stop it – for parents and teachers

Bullying and how to stop it – for parents and teachers

Most of us have bullied someone and have been bullied at some time in our lives. We have an aggressive trait that helps us stand up to a threat. We are emboldened to fight when we fear for ourselves or family, or simply when we’re “not going to take this anymore!” Mature people don’t do this without cause, but children and teens lack maturity and can engage in bullying throughout their school years. (Even the nicest children can bully another person.) Victims of bullying usually don’t have the power and skills to prevent it or to protect themselves.

“This is a huge problem in the schools… it’s particularly common in grades 6 through 10, when as many as 30 percent of students report they’ve had moderate or frequent involvement in bullying.”
–Dr. Joyce Nolan Harrison, assistant professor of psychiatry, Johns Hopkins School of Medicine.

Bullying occurs when others aren’t paying attention… or when there is an audience
In schools, bullies target victims where and when authorities can’t see, isolated but in crowds: hallways, the school lunch room, the playground or gym, and the bathroom or dressing room, not in plain sight of others who might report an incident. Or they have an audience that supports the bully or ignores the situation and doesn’t want to get involved… or tell.

Bullies target those they consider “weak” or simply “different”
What makes a target child “weak” could be so many things. Bullies seize on anything: a physical, emotional, or mental vulnerability–children with learning disabilities or autism spectrum disorders are often targets. But any “different” child is at risk: a child from another culture is different, a boy who seems effeminate or a girl who seems masculine. The list of reasons children are bullied is so long that it is impossible to proactively avoid attracting the attention of a motivated bully or bullies: physical features, small stature, younger age, shy or meek personalities, bad fashion sense (or perfect fashion sense), even being a Straight “A” student is cause for being victimized. A child’s family member might be perceived as an embarrassment that elicits bullying (a brother is in prison, a father lost his job). Or a child might be a member of a group that’s hated by the parents, who teach their child to hate the group. Some victims are chosen simply because they are at the wrong place at the wrong time:

A teen walks his usual route home from school. He is reasonably well liked but doesn’t stand out. Ahead are three troublesome youth he doesn’t know. No one is around. He’s still at a distance, but starts to feel uncomfortable. They stand side-by-side on the walk ahead of him and stare.

What would a street-wise kid do?

He crosses the street without breaking stride, but also watches them—they have to know he sees them. If he pretended to ignore them it could inflame their anger. They start taunting. Meanwhile, the teen has been thinking of ways to protect himself just in case: there’s a store is nearby or within running distance, there’s a neighbor who’s usually at home. If he has a phone, he pulls it out and is ready to dial 911. He stays alert and looks confident, and they eventually drop the effort and let him move on.

Bullies punish kids who try to stop the bullying

Those who “snitch.” Victims who ask for help are often targeted by the bully more intensely, and often joined by associates who simply jump the bandwagon (curious behavior described as “the madness of crowds”). The culture of tweens and teens has low tolerance for those who tell on others. Those who join the bullying episode against the victim can do it without thinking, or perhaps they feel empowered to vent anger on someone, or just want to fit in.

Those who try to stop them. A heroic bystander steps in to stop a bullying episode and becomes the target themselves.

Those who want to leave the bullying group. Some kids have second thoughts and feel uncomfortable about the bullying and try to leave, but they can’t. Leaving attracts intense, relentless bullying for “voting with their feet”—this is a hallmark of gang behavior

Sadly, some children appear to “set themselves up” for bullying. This victim is a child with a fatalistic attitude and low self-esteem, who doesn’t recognize when others take advantage of them. They feel they must endure and don’t take steps to protect themselves out of excessive fear of drawing retribution. These are the kind of children who can become victims of physical or emotional domestic violence as adults.

Parents

If your child is a victim, be aware that they live between a rock and a hard place. Be careful that your involvement doesn’t make things worse for them

Armor your child with multiple skills
There is no one way to handle every bully situation so flexibility is key. Together, develop a list of multiple options:

  • Ask friends to accompany them
  • Go to a place where people are and find an adult to help. Walk the other way, walk down different hall, walk to other side of street, use a different bathroom.
  • Request loudly “LEAVE ME ALONE” when there’s an audience to witness the bullying, such as on a bus or standing in line.
  • Use body language to project a firm stance. This can be the way your child stands or the loudness of their voice when the bully is present to show confidence, alertness, and empowerment.
  • Let your child know you take them seriously and will do something about it. Give them emotional support.
  • Let your child know you will back them up by working with the school.
  • Use the situation as a learning opportunity to help your child develop a backbone and inner strength. Even with your support, this will not be easy for your child to handle. Be a model of strength and resolve rather than of vengeance or anger.
  • Consider mental health issues that might be making things worse for your child: ADHD, ODD, depression, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, chaos and stress at home, PTSD, substance abuse, and others.

Help the bullied kids find each other. If there are a bunch of them together, they can stand the bully down. They don’t have to beat the bully up. They just have to say, ‘Why are you treating my friend this way?’ The bully will often move on… Parents can appropriately take matters into their own hands. You need to enlist the help of all the other parents of bullied children… Parents have to work as a group. One parent is a pain in the [butt]. A group of parents can be an educational experience for school authorities.”
–William Pollack, assistant clinical professor of psychiatry, Harvard Medical School

Don’t

  • Don’t tell your child to “let it go, ”or “it’s no big deal,” or “it happens, deal with it.”
  • Don’t tell your child to be tough. What does “tough” mean? What do you want them to do?
  • Don’t punish or dismiss a child who complains too much, or blame him/her for setting themselves up and asking for it. Ironically, a victim is sometimes treated as the problem child.
  • Don’t bully your child at home! Are you doing this? Think. Your child learns to accept the inevitability of bullying because he or she is accustomed to it at home.

How things can go wrong: A boy is in the shower after PE class and gets slapped on the butt most days. He is too proud/embarrassed to tell his parents, or he tells and they react poorly. Perhaps he’s blamed for not standing up for himself, or a parent shows up outraged at school and yells at the bully or school staff. Now the boy’s parent is the problem and may be suspected of bullying their child. Or school staff overreact with swift punitive actions to the bully. Time passes and the bully starts up again bit by bit, only much more subtly. The boy is afraid to report it again because the encounters are more secretive. The bully denies his behavior and recruits others to advocate for him. They jump on the bandwagon because they don’t know the history, and the boy doesn’t want to tell everyone he is being sexually harassed. It’s a vicious cycle.

Teachers and schools

“You can’t learn if you’re being bullied, if every day you’re frightened of how you’re going to be treated.”
–William Pollack, cited above

Teachers, pay attention to signs that there’s a skilled, secretive bully at the school.

  • Notice who others avoid.
  • Notice a child coming into the class who’s upset and ask them about it later, promise you’ll protect their anonymity if you can get them to reveal a bully, but don’t pressure them.
  • Observe the problem kid and their subtle interactions with others.
  • Allow a victim(s) to have distance from bully, permission to use a different bathroom, to have their desk placed farther apart, to have a locker farther apart, or even a different class if possible.
  • Inform the parents of your concerns in addition to the principle and school counselor.
  • Focus your behavioral interventions on the bully (not the victims)

Avoid diagnosing the situation. You are not the expert. You don’t know why a bully is a bully, or why a victim is a victim, or anything about their parents. Ensure a school counselor is involved in any discussion about how to manage a bully problem in the school.

Avoid jumping to conclusions! Your actions can unintentionally undermine or harm either the child or their parents. You don’t know until you know.

“Bullies are like the lion looking for a deer that’s left the herd,” says Patrick Tolan, director of the Institute for Juvenile Research at the University of Illinois. “They try to single out the weakest kid. The best way to stop this is to work on increasing inclusion by helping the bullied kids with social skills.”

Bullies are usually bullied themselves (see another article Bullies like their victims, are also at risk). Only very small percentage are sociopathic, or who are intrinsically cruel and without empathy, perhaps 1 in a 100. How do you tell? If someone sets a clear boundary with punitive consequences, the disturbed bully will relentlessly target a victim regardless of how much trouble they get in.

I wish to personally thank Barry Diggs, probation and parole officer for the Oregon Youth Authority, for his insights into bullying behavior, which helped me develop this article. Margaret

If you have helped a child effectively cope with bullying, please share your story in the Comments below so others can learn from your story.


Research

Bullying Linked to Violence at Home
April 2011

Bullying is pervasive among middle school and high school students in Massachusetts and may be linked to family violence, a new study finds. In a survey of 5,807 middle-school and high-school students from almost 138 Massachusetts public schools, researchers from the Massachusetts Department of Health and US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that those involved in bullying in any way are more likely to contemplate suicide and engage in self-harm compared to other students. Those involved in bullying were also more likely to have certain risk factors, including suffering abuse from a family member or witnessing violence at home, compared to people who were neither bullies nor victims.

Cyberbullying (this is a superb and comprehensive article by an expert on cyberbullying)

http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/display/article/10168/1336550?GUID=32E9A484-0468-4B38-8A03-0EE478D3256C&rememberme=1

Survey: Half of High Schoolers Report Bullying or Teasing Someone
“Ethics of American Youth Survey”, Josephson Institute of Ethics

Half of U.S. high schoolers say they have bullied or teased someone at least once in the past year, a new survey finds. The study also found that nearly half say they have been bullied during that time. The study surveyed 43,321 teens ages 15 to 18, from 78 public and 22 private schools. It found 50 percent had “bullied, teased or taunted someone at least once,” and 47 percent had been “bullied, teased or taunted in a way that seriously upset me at least once.” The survey asked about bullying in the past 12 months: 52% of students have hit someone in anger. 28% (37% of boys, 19% of girls) say it’s OK to hit or threaten a person who angers them. “There’s a tremendous amount of anger out there,” Michael Josephson says. (Founder of the Institute of Ethics)

Victims of Cyberbullying More Likely to Suffer Depression than Perpetrators:
ScienceDaily, September 2010

Young victims of cyber bullying, which occurs online or through cell phones, are more likely to suffer from depression than their tormentors, a new study finds. Researchers at the Eunice Kennedy Shriver National Institute of Child and Human Health Development in the US looked at survey results on bullying behavior and signs of depression in 7,313 students in grades six through 10. Victims reported higher depression than cyber bullies or bully-victims, which was not found in any other form of bullying. Researchers say it unclear whether depressed kids have lower self-esteem and so are more easily bullied or the other way around.

Cyberbullying Teens and Victims More Likely to Have Psychiatric Troubles
Archives of General Psychiatry, July 2010

Teens who cyberbully others through the Internet or cell phones are more likely to have both physical and psychiatric problems, and their victims are at heightened risk for behavioral difficulties, a new study finds. Researchers collected data on 2,215 Finnish teens 13 to 16 years old. The survey found that teens who were victims of cyberbullying were more likely to come from broken homes and have emotional, concentration and behavior problems. In addition, they were prone to headaches, abdominal pain, sleeping problems and not feeling safe at school, the researchers found. Cyberbullies were also more prone to suffer from emotional and behavior problems, according to the survey.

Bullying And Being Bullied Linked To Suicide In Children
International Journal of Adolescent Medical Health; July 2008

Being a victim or perpetrator of school bullying, the most common type of school violence, has been frequently associated with a broad spectrum of behavioral, emotional, and social problems. According to international studies, bullying is common, and affects up to 54 percent of children. Researchers at Yale School of Medicine reviewed studies from 13 different countries and found signs of a connection between bullying, being bullied. and suicide in children. Suicide is third leading cause of mortality in children and adolescents. Lead author of this report, Young-Shin Kim, M.D. said “the perpetrators who are the bullies also have an increased risk for suicidal behaviors.”

Kids with ADHD more likely to bully
Linda Carroll, MSNBC, reporting on the Journal of Developmental Medicine and Child Neurology, February 2008

A new study shows that children with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder are almost four times as likely as others to be bullies. And, in an intriguing corollary, the children with ADHD symptoms were almost 10 times as likely as others to have been regular targets of bullies prior to the onset of those symptoms.

A study followed 577 children for a year. After collecting data on bullies and victims and identifying those children ADHD, there was a corollary between ADHD and bullying. Study co-author Dr. Anders Hjern, a professor in pediatric epidemiology at the University of Uppsala in Stockholm said “These kids might be making life miserable for their fellow students. Or it might turn out that the attention problems they’re exhibiting could be related to the stress of being bullied.”

Unfortunately, treating ADHD won’t remedy the bullying because drugs for the condition impact a child’s ability to focus, but not the aggression that leads to bullying, says Kazdin, a professor of psychology and child psychiatry and director of the Parenting Center and Child Conduct Clinic at Yale University, and president of the American Psychological Association.

Bullying Tied to Sleep Problems
Sleep Medicine, June 2011

Children who are aggressive and disruptive in class are more likely to have sleep-disordered breathing than well-behaved children, according to new research. Conduct problems, parent-reported bullying, and school disciplinary problems were all associated with higher scores on a measure of sleep-related breathing disorders, according to researchers. The study collected data from parents on each child’s sleep habits and asked both parents and teachers to assess behavioral concerns. The findings suggest that bullying may be prevented by paying attention to some of the unique health issues associated with aggressive behavior.

Bullies, like their victims, are also at risk.

Bullies, like their victims, are also at risk.

It’s easy to understand what it’s like to be a victim, but don’t be surprised if your understanding of bully behavior is off base.  There are many myths about who bullies are and what makes them behave the way they do.

Profile of a young bully:  this is a child or teen with a positive self-image, strong self-esteem, and little anxiety.  They are driven by a desire to be in control and they cherish power.  They also have little empathy for their victims, and appear to derive satisfaction from inflicting physical or psychological suffering on others.  A bully will defend his or her actions by blaming the victim, saying that their victims provoked them.  A bully may also have poor self-control, and be depressed or stressed in some way.  They have difficulty making friends.  It’s not black and white however–victims can become bullies–any child, boy or girl, can be a bully or be bullied if the circumstances are right

If you and your child have been a bullying victim, you may hope bullies get their just desserts.  Well, they do.

Without intervention, bullying can lead to serious academic, social, emotional and legal difficulties, which can continue into adulthood.  Bullies are even at higher risk of suicide.(see the research studies at the end of this article).

What if your child is the bully?

Think about it.  Your child may be strong and motivated, they’re active, and yet they get into trouble a lot.  They complain how others make them mad or pick on them, and yet they don’t appear to have the fears and anxieties that their victims have.  If a teacher or parent tells you that your child is a bully, it can be huge shock, and your first reaction might be to defend your child.  Perhaps you can’t imagine the child you love is hurting others, or perhaps you’ve even encouraged your child to defend themselves against others.

If it’s hard to accept, take a moment and step back and think things through.  It may not be your fault, but as a parent, you have a responsibility to both your child and to their classmates (and their parents) to intervene to stop the behavior, and make it clear that bullying is not acceptable, and that it will not be tolerated or ignored.

What parents of bullies can do

Find out if anything is bothering your child and aggravating their internal nature to act out against others.  Is there something making them feel insecure or unhappy?  Are they being ignored at home?  Picked on?  Are there other family troubles they can’t cope with?  Ask them.  Then ask yourself two important questions:

  1. What can you and your family do to reduce stress in your child’s life;
  2. What values do you want your child to learn from you, such as respect for others and empathy for others’ feelings.

Maintain an atmosphere of love and calmness at home.  Don’t allow older siblings to tease a younger child, and don’t allow destructive criticism.  Work toward an ideal home environment that is a “haven of love” for all the family.  Yes, a haven of love, that’s what it says.

Have a plan before you talk with your child, and prepare to have an open conversation and to listen closely to your own child’s point of view.  Your job is to design some disciplinary action that fits the context of your lives.

Make it very clear that bullying and aggression will not be tolerated, and spell out the consequences for all bullying behavior.  It is important to be completely consistent so that the child understands exactly what will happen if he or she repeats this behavior.

Consequences could include the loss of privileges, and especially freedoms that allow them to bully others.  For example:  if your child is allowed out to play in the evening, and is bullying other children at this time, keep them indoors for a day or a week depending on how serious the behavior is or the age of the child.  Whatever you decide on, make it extremely clear and consistent.

Next, teach your child or teen different responses to things that make them aggress against others.  They probably don’t have social skills, or options, for handling situations that make him or her upset or angry.  Some examples:  avoid kids that irritate them, or “storm out” of a situation that’s escalating instead of fighting, or write down insults and keep them hidden instead of speaking them aloud, leave a situation and get physical exercise…

Then teach your child empathy, which can be learned.  Say to them: “All people deserve respect even if you don’t like them,”  “All people have value and feelings”, “All people are different, and they don’t have to be like you or act the way you want them to.”  Remind them of others who show kindness and respect to them.  If your child can be trusted, taking care of a pet is a good way to help him or her develop the skill of empathy.

Praise and positive reinforcement are actually crucial.  Catch your child being good and offer praise as immediately as possible.  Being “good” might be about being kind, but it might also be about avoiding confrontation even if they get angry or aggressive in their thoughts but not their actions.

Allow your child or teen to earn rewards and privileges.  For a child, keep track with a calendar and stickers so that you and your child can measure each positive behavior, and then celebrate and reward it accordingly.

Let the school know what you are doing to work with your child, and ask for staff help and ideas for consistent consequences at school.  Let other parents know as well.

If bullying or other aggressive behaviors persist even after working with your child or teen, seriously consider professional mental health treatment.

Some statistics on risks to bullies

One study showed that 60% of boys who were identified as bullies in grades 6 through 9 had at least one criminal conviction by age 24 years, and between 35% and 40% of these children had three or more criminal convictions by that same age.

Much bullying occurs in schools.  Dr. Joyce Nolan Harrison, assistant professor of psychiatry at the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine said, “Studies show [bullying is] particularly common in grades 6 through 10, when as many as 30% of students report they’ve had moderate or frequent involvement in bullying,” she says.

According to international studies, bullying is common and it affects from 9% to 54% of all children.  In the United States, many believe bullying can push victims to acts of violence, such as the Columbine High School massacre.

Children with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder are almost 4 times as likely as others to be bullies.  And, in an intriguing corollary, the children with ADHD symptoms were almost 10 times as likely as others to have been regular targets of bullies prior to the onset of those symptoms, according to the report in the February 2008 issue of the Journal Developmental Medicine & Child Neurology.

If you are the parent of a victim

If schools don’t have the resources to deal with bullying, parents need to take matters into their own hands.  Enlist the help of all the other parents of bullied children.  “Parents have to work as a group,” explains Dr. William Pollack, professor psychiatry at Harvard Medical School.  “One parent is a pain in the [butt].  A group of parents can be an educational experience for school authorities.”

One thing you shouldn’t do, Pollack says, is call up the bully’s parents.  “You have no idea of what is going on in that kid’s home,” he says.  “He may get hell for bullying your kid — or he may be told to keep it up.”

Armor your child by describing ways they can protect themselves.  Avoid the places where bullying happens (bathroom, lunch, playground) or always bring a friend.

Help the bullied kids find each other.  “If there are a bunch of them together, they can stand the bully down,” Dr. William Pollack says.  “They don’t have to beat the bully up.  They just have to say, ‘Why are you treating my friend this way?’  The bully will often move on.”

Inform teachers and school staff in writing of your concern, or volunteer in your child’s classroom(s).

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Bullying and suicide. A review.  (excerpt)
Authors: Kim, Y.S.; Leventhal, B. International Journal of Adolescent Medical Health; pp: 133-54;  Vol(Issue): 20(2), 2008

Researchers at Yale School of Medicine believe they’ve found a connection between bullying, being bullied, and suicide in children.  Bullying, the most common type of school violence, has been frequently associated with a broad spectrum of behavioral, emotional, and social problems.  This paper provides a systematic review of 37 studies, from 13 countries, that were conducted in children and adolescents, and that examined the association between bullying experiences and suicide, with an emphasis on the strengths and limitations of the study designs.  (Suicide is third leading cause of mortality in children and adolescents in the United States of America and around the world.)  Despite methodological and other differences and limitations, it is increasingly clear that any participation in bullying increases the risk of suicidal ideations and/or behaviors in a broad spectrum of youth.

Not just the victims were in danger: “The perpetrators who are the bullies also have an increased risk for suicidal behaviors,” said lead author, Dr. Y.S. Kim.

Many adults scoff at bullying and say, “Oh, that’s what happens when kids are growing up,” according to Kim, who argues that bullying is serious and causes major problems for children, and that it should be taken seriously and addressed.

Email: young-shin.kim@yale.edu

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Kids with ADHD more likely to bully  (excerpt)
By Linda Carroll, MSNBC contributor Jan. 29, 2008 URL: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22813400/

For one year, a study followed 577 children in the 4th grade, in a community near Stockholm.  The researchers interviewed parents, teachers and children to determine which kids were likely to have ADHD.  Children showing signs of the disorder were then seen by a child neurologist for diagnosis.  The researchers also asked the kids about bullying.

“The results underscore the importance of observing how kids with ADHD symptoms interact with their peers,” says study co-author Dr. Anders Hjern, a professor in pediatric epidemiology at the University of Uppsala in Stockholm.  These kids might be making life miserable for their fellow students.  Or it might turn out that the attention problems they’re exhibiting could be related to the stress of being bullied.

“You can’t learn if you’re being bullied, if every day you’re frightened of how you’re going to be treated,” says William Pollack, an assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School.

As for the bullies, they often need help with other issues, Pollack says.  “It’s not uncommon, for instance, to find that the aggressor is acting out because he’s depressed.  And often, the kids who are doing the bullying have been bullied themselves,” he adds.

Unfortunately though, treating ADHD won’t remedy bullying because “drugs for the condition impact a child’s ability to focus in school but not the aggression that could lead to bullying,” says Kazdin, a professor of psychology and child psychiatry and director of the Parenting Center and Child Conduct Clinic at Yale University, and president of the American Psychological Association.

Bullying happens most at school.  The best solution for bullying is for schools to develop programs that help both the bullies and the bullied, experts say.

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Hyperactive Girls Face Problems As Adults, Study Shows (excerpt)
by Nathalie Fontaine, René Carbonneau, Edward Barker, Frank Vitaro, Martine Hébert, Sylvana Côté, Daniel Nagin, Mark Zoccolillo and Richard Tremblay, March 2008, Journal Archives of General Psychiatry, and ScienceDaily (Mar. 20, 2008).

A 15-year longitudinal study found that girls with hyperactive behavior (restlessness, jumping up and down, a difficulty keeping still or fidgety), and girls exhibiting physical aggression (fighting, bullying, kicking, biting or hitting) were found to have a high risk of developing adjustment problems in adulthood.

Young girls who are hyperactive are more likely to get hooked on smoking, under-perform in school or jobs and gravitate towards mentally abusive relationships as adults, according to a joint study by researchers from the University de Montréal and the University College London (UCL).

The study followed 881 Canadian girls from the ages of six to 21 years to see how hyperactive or aggressive behavior in childhood could affect early adulthood.  The research team found that one in 10 girls monitored showed high levels of hyperactive behavior.  Another one in ten girls showed both high levels of hyperactive and physically aggressive behavior.

According to UCL lead researcher, Dr. Nathalie Fontaine.  “This study shows that hyperactivity combined with aggressive behavior in girls as young as six years old may lead to greater problems with abusive relationships, lack of job prospects and teenage pregnancies.”

“Our study suggests that girls with chronic hyperactivity and physical aggression in childhood should be targeted by intensive prevention programs in elementary school…  Programmers targeting only physical aggression may be missing a significant proportion of at-risk girls.  In fact, our results suggest that targeting hyperactive behavior will include the vast majority of aggressive girls,” said Dr. Fontaine.

“We found that about 25 per cent of the girls with behavioral problems in childhood did not have adjustment problems in adulthood, although more than a quarter developed at least three adjustment problems,” researcher Richard Tremblay said, noting additional research is needed into related social aggression such as rumor spreading, peer group exclusion.  “We need to find what triggers aggression and how to prevent such behavioral problems.”

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Bullying and Suicide
Psychiatric Times. Vol. 28 No. 2   February 10, 2011

Childhood and adolescent bullying is recognized as a major public health problem in the Western world, and it appears to be associated with suicidality. Recently, cyberbullying has become an increasing public concern in light of recent cases associated with youth suicides that have been reported in the mass media.  Victims of bullying consistently exhibit more depressive symptoms than nonvictims; they have high levels of suicidal ideation and are more likely to attempt suicide than nonvictims.  Studies show that bullying behavior in youth is associated with depression, suicidal ideation, and suicide attempts. These associations have been found in elementary school, middle school, and high school students. Moreover, victims of bullying consistently exhibit more depressive symptoms than nonvictims; they have high levels of suicidal ideation and are more likely to attempt suicide than nonvictims.

The results pertaining to bullies are less consistent. Some studies show an association with depression, while others do not. The prevalence of suicidal ideation is higher in bullies than in persons not involved in bullying behavior. Studies among middle school and high school students show an increased risk of suicidal behavior among bullies and victims. Both perpetrators and victims are at the highest risk for suicidal ideation and behavior.